


If You Knew

by OuiOuiBaguette



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (not really) - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Homophobia, I promise, James is an angsty child, M/M, No Smut, This will not be a happy Fic, homophibic slurs, i love this ship so much you have no idea, im so sorry, jeffmads - Freeform, john adams is an asshole, there will be sooooo much angst, this is my first fanfic ive ever posted here we go, updates every tuesday! (hopefully)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:43:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 27,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8490310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OuiOuiBaguette/pseuds/OuiOuiBaguette
Summary: James had never felt this way before. He never wants to let this feeling go. He's finally happy. But, loving this person could result in the end of their career. Does he choose to make himself happy? Or let Thomas go for good?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I've never actually posted a fanfic, but here goes nothing! (I cant do chapter titles sry) 
> 
> So, I've already written a portion of this fanfic, so updates should stay fairly consistent, but no promises. And since im really excited about finally posting a fanfic, I'll start with updating every couple of days, but once i run out of material, itll be back to weekly updates. Sorry if anything about this is confusing, I tried my best.
> 
> Enjoy!!

Thomas had left for France four years ago. He'd stopped calling after only two months, and yet here James was, sitting in the airport waiting for someone he hadn't even talked too, let alone seen, in years. James sighed, resting his head in his hands. The airport was oddly empty this time on a Sunday, and James greatly appreciated it. He'd been spending the last twenty minutes sitting in an uncomfortable chair and mulling over the awkward interaction that was soon to come. James had never been that social of a person, yet for some reason Thomas was able to force him into situations like this. Sure, they'd been close friends back in Virginia, but then Thomas had left on his somewhat political trip to France, and James had moved to New York. Sure, James had been a little upset about it at the time, since Thomas had been his only good friend, but he had soon learned to just be quiet, get his work done and forget about it. Yeah, it got lonely sometimes, but James still had some friends, Alexander Hamilton for example. They had started working on a project together, and James had been quite interested in the talkative young man. However, shortly after the news of Thomas’ return, the two realised their differences were too great for the friendship to truly last. It had only been a semi-mutual feeling, and James still felt a little bad for leaving Alexander with such a pathetic excuse.  
  
James was really starting to get nervous now. He really wasn't looking forward to this meeting, and the longer he waited, the more his brain came up with worse-case scenarios. What if Thomas didn't like him anymore? What if Thomas had completely changed? Looking up, James saw the plane had already landed ten minutes ago. Who knows how long it would be now until Thomas walked through those gates? James couldn't take this anymore. Getting up, he hurried over to the washroom to try and calm down. After a few minutes of staring at himself in the mirror trying to tell himself it would all be fine, James finally left the bathroom and returned to his seat. No sooner than a couple of seconds after he sat down, a loud voice shouted, “Well, if it isn't James Madison! Long time no see friend!”  
  
James was shocked. Thomas looked completely different than when they had been friends in high school. He’d gotten taller, and had the beginnings of a beard along his jaw. His curly mess of hair was still similar, and for the first time, James noticed just how nice of a colour Thomas’ eyes were. Not only that, but something about him seemed more grown up and mature. He seemed to stand straighter, and had almost an intimidating feeling about him. James had never been attracted to someone before, but even he knew that Thomas was what most people would call “attractive.” James felt a weird feeling in his stomach at the thought, and quickly pushed it away. Tearing his eyes away from Thomas’ face, he quickly surveyed what the other man was wearing. A bright purple sweater (of course), grey sweatpants, and (James smiled inwardly when he noticed this) his favourite black and white running shoes James had gotten him in grade 10. Suddenly James realised that Thomas was waiting for him to say something. Shooting his head up, he felt the beginnings of a blush forming on his cheeks.  
  
“Oh s-sorry, it's just a little shocking to see you again after all these years.” Now it was Thomas’ turn to be embarrassed. He cast his eyes at the floor and ran his hand through his hair,  
  
“Yeah, uh… Sorry about that. I really should have called” he mumbled, looking up at James with the saddest expression James had ever seen. He felt the blush that had started on his face darken, and he quickly muttered,  
  
“No no, it's fine. You don't need to worry about it.” Thomas’ face immediately lit up, and James thought he might try and hug him. Luckily, Thomas seemed to realise that would not be welcome, and calmed down a bit. Thomas smiled, and James swore his heart stopped beating for a second.  
  
“Really James, I'm glad to see you again,” Thomas said, delicately placing a hand on James’ shoulder. Surprisingly, James didn't even try and pull away, or even flinch. For a second, James thought he might have even _enjoyed _the touch, which was not like him at all.__  
  
“We should probably go get your bags” James said, gently moving Thomas’ hand from his shoulder. James thought he saw a flash of disappointment on Thomas’ face, but it was quickly replaced with a bright smile.  
  
The ride home had been a lot less awkward than James had expected. He and Thomas had a lot to catch up on, and while it was mostly Thomas rambling on about something or the other and James listening politely, James still really enjoyed it. James hadn't really realised until now just how much he had missed Thomas. He thought back to all the lonely nights he had spent at home, trying to use his constant work to hide the lonely feeling threatening to take over. Why hadn't James just called? It wouldn't have taken long, but James had thought that their friendship had been over. He’d never expected he'd be driving Jefferson home from the airport after four long years of absence. As Thomas talked, James started noticing things about the other man he hadn't seen before, and he was beginning to have a hard time keeping his eyes on the road. James realised that he wasn't really listening to what Thomas was saying, but focusing more on the way his mouth moved to form the words and the dramatic faces and hand gestures he made as he talked. Thomas really had changed in the four years he’d been gone. As James watched the dark curls on Thomas’ head bounce back and forth as he talked, James suddenly had the strange urge to run his fingers through them. That strange feeling in his stomach was coming back, and James could feel heat rising to his cheeks. Quickly, James turned his attention back to the road, and did his best to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.  
  
“It was really nice talking to you James,” Thomas said as the car pulled up in front of one of the biggest house James had ever seen. Everyone knew Thomas was rich, but James had never seen the house he had bought before he left. It was a giant mansion, with beautiful metal gates that led to a long driveway. The house itself was a rich burgundy colour, and was very old fashioned looking. James gaped at the house, barely noticing that Thomas had said anything. A gentle tap on his shoulder caused James to finally look at the other person in the car.  
  
“Oh, oh my god I-I'm so sorry!” James stuttered, feeling the blush that wouldn't seem to go away get darker once again, “C-could you repeat that?” Thomas shook his head slightly and chuckled,  
  
“You're still the same old James I see,” he said, pushing open the car door. As Thomas stepped out, James had the sudden urge to say something more.  
  
“I'm glad you're back!” He blurted out right before Thomas closed the door. Thomas smiled, a gentle and happy look in his eyes. James thought his heart might melt. Without another word, Thomas shut the door to the car and began the walk to the front door of his house. Instead of pulling away immediately, James couldn't help but watch as that mess of dark curls disappeared behind the large burgundy doors.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning for some swearing at the end of this chapter (its nothing major) 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

James sighed. What was happening to him? He'd never felt that way around anyone before. What made Thomas so different? James had been expecting the nerves, that was normal, but that strange feeling he got in his stomach when he first saw Thomas, and that strange urge he'd had to touch the other man's hair. James didn't touch people. He didn't want people touching him, so he didn't touch anyone either. So why had just the simple gesture of Thomas’ hand on his shoulder feel so nice? Covering his face with his hands, James flopped onto his bed. _What’s happening to me?_

*************** ***************

A ringing phone was what woke James up at 6 in the morning. James was not a morning person, and normally wouldn't be awake until at least 7, but apparently someone had other plans. Drowsily, James fumbled around for his phone. When he finally found it, the contact made him groan into his pillow. Sighing, James rolled over and pressed the “answer” button.

“Good morning James!” Thomas’ happy voice rang through the phone. He sounded like he'd already been awake for hours. Thomas had only been back for a couple of weeks, and James really did not want to get up this early on a Saturday. He was tempted to just hang up and go back to sleep, but when he heard splashing in the background he paused.

“What are you doing?” James mumbled tiredly, sitting up in his bed.

“I'm sitting in my pool! You should know by now that I love going for early morning swims!”

Actually, James had not known that, and he wished he'd never found out. Shaking the image of a half naked Thomas out of his head, James instead put on as annoyed of a voice he was capable of and said,

“And why are you calling me while you do that? You know I'm not a morning person.”

“Oh, I'm sorry James.” Thomas said, not sounding sorry at all, “I just called to invite you over for dinner tonight! I also wanted to talk to you about how annoying Hamilton is, but you sound like you need some more sleep”

James grunted in response.

“Well, see you tonight Madison!” Thomas said with finality, hanging up the phone.

There was no way James was going back to sleep now. Thoughts rushed through his head all at once. What should he wear? What would they be eating? Had Jefferson remembered his peanut allergy? Oops, there was the half naked Thomas again. James did _not_ want to think about that, _at all_. Shoving the thought away, James finally rolled out of bed and started to get dressed. God, if only there was work today, then James would have an entire day of distractions until the dinner tonight. Instead however, James had the entire day free. James didn’t really have any friends other than Thomas, he realised with dismay, and he had definitely not planned on being woken up at 6 am by a barely clothed man on the phone. God dammit, James thought, pushing the image out of his mind once again. Currently, James just really hoped that image didn’t appear when he was standing in front of the actual Thomas Jefferson

*************** ***************.

This dinner could not have started off worse. First of all, James had apparently arrived too early, and Thomas hadn’t even finished preparing the food yet. There wasn’t anything more awkward than sitting in your (had barely talked to you in four years) friends gigantic living room. To top it all off, James also managed to break a very beautiful and expensive looking vase as he tripped over the rug. Thomas had assured him that it wasn’t a problem, and that he would have one of the servants clean it up. _He has servants_ , was all James could think, _I broke a vase in the house of a man who has servants_. Needless to say, the next fifteen minutes or so felt like an eternity, and all James wanted was to go home and curl into a ball on his bed. Just as James was beginning to consider making up some excuse to leave, Thomas walked into the large room, a thrilled smile on his face.

“James! Sorry to keep you waiting so long, but dinner is served.” He did a graceful little bow as he said the last part, and James couldn't help the tiny smile that crept onto his face. Thomas was still wearing his regular work outfit, a purple dress shirt with a black vest and tie. Once again, James found himself marvelling at how attractive Thomas was.

Following Thomas into the eating room, James began stressing over where to sit. Much like the rest of the house, the table was huge, and stretched for at least 8 feet across the room. There seemed to be about 20 different chairs laid out around it , and it had a frilly white table cloth splayed over the top. As James stared in dismay at the amount of seats, he was grateful to Thomas who slowly led him around to the opposite end of the table, where two plates had been perfectly set. Carefully, James sat down in the chair Thomas had pulled out for him. Giving a welcoming smile to his guest, Thomas disappeared from the room, returning shortly after with a silver platter. As he placed the platter on the table, different ideas as to what it could be starting racing through James’ mind. Thomas lifted the lid, and what James saw shouldn't have surprised him as much as it did. Macaroni. Thomas Jefferson had made macaroni. If it weren't for the situation, James probably would have laughed. This was the dish that Thomas had obsessed over. James could've sworn it was all the guy ever ate. Although, the macaroni on the platter in front of James was much fancier than anything Thomas would have eaten back then. It was baked perfectly, with bread crumbs sprinkled on top and, upon closer inspection, small pieces of bacon mixed inside. James looked at Thomas, who was trying to not-so-subtly keep from staring, waiting for James’ reaction. James smiled and happily said,

“I see the macaroni king lives up to his title.”

This made Thomas pause. That definitely hadn't been what he had been expecting from James at their first dinner. But James was talking like they were still best friends in high school. Thomas smiled, this was perfect.

“Well, I didn't want to startle you with something outrageously French,” Thomas replied, taking a large helping from the tray, “Although that is where I got the recipe from.”

James was really trying not to enjoy this as much as he was. As far as he knew, this was just a polite invitation, and Thomas didn't actually want to be friends with him again. He needed to keep this as polite and far away from anything personal as possible (something he was already doing a terrible job at).

“Well, it looks delicious. Thank you very much for having me over to try it.” James said, giving Thomas a polite smile as he took a smaller helping for himself. Thomas’ smile immediately faltered, and James could've sworn he looked almost disappointed. But no, that wasn't possible. Why would anyone be disappointed about James being polite?

They ate mostly in silence from there on, and James could feel the awkwardness increasing in the room. It definitely didn't help that the room was so big, and that they were the only two people there. As they both finished, Thomas stood, motioning for James to follow him.

Thomas led them back to the living room where James had sat earlier. Sitting on a couch, he motioned for James to do the same. James decided to sit on the same couch as Thomas, sitting a polite distance away from him, in other words, the opposite side of the chair. Once again, James almost thought he saw that flash of disappointment and… regret maybe?, cross Thomas’ face. But, like before, it disappeared as soon as it arrived. Before the awkward silence surrounding the two could stretch on for two long, Thomas asked, “Would you like some tea? I bought a really fancy kind back in France and I thought you might like to try it” As James nodded his approval, Thomas left to go start the kettle. He returned a short while later holding fancy cups of steaming tea in each hand.

Looking at the delicate paint job on the cups, James couldn't help but say, “well, I really hope I don't break these too.” Thomas actually _laughed_ at that. James couldn't believe it, it hadn't even been really intended as a joke. Sure, it wasn't an _actual_ laugh, more just a small chuckle, but it was enough to make James blush.

“I really missed you James,” Thomas said, looking down at his tea.

“That's hard to believe.”

Suddenly Thomas was looking him right in the eyes, a completely serious expression on his face. “James. I mean it. You were one of my best friends, and I regret every single time I didn't call you.” Thomas had now leaned in slightly closer, slowly moving his hand over James. Tensing at the touch, James could feel his cheeks getting redder, and that fluttering feeling in his stomach was back again. Gently running his thumb over James’ knuckles, Thomas continued, “I really want to be friends with you again. So, can we just start over and pretend we never knew each before and that I never left for France for four years and never called or spoke to you?” Thomas’ dark eyes were pleading, but all James could focus on was the pounding of his heart and the gentle hand on his. Quickly pulling away, James drank his tea in one quick swallow, ignoring the pain of the scorching hot liquid. He sat up and turned to Thomas, face still bright red.

“Thank you for having me over. The food was delicious and I appreciate the invitation,” with that, James spun around and practically ran out of the house, leaving a very confused Jefferson in his wake.

Slamming the door to his house shut behind him, James leaned against the wall, hiding his face in his hands. _What the hell is happening?_ James thought, before lowering his hands and leaning his head against the wall. Everything about this was new for James. If it had been anyone else, James would have immediately pulled away, but with Thomas, he'd been frozen. Staring into those beautiful brown eyes, his hand covered by the other man's. Just the thought of it brought the blush back to James’ face. That fluttery feeling returned, and James sighed, sliding further down the wall. Is this what “liking” someone was? No, that couldn't be possible. James didn't “like” people, and Thomas had only been around for a couple of weeks. As James went through the different feelings he'd had since Thomas’ return, the thought wouldn't go away. This was the same thing as when he'd first seen Jefferson at the airport. James laughed slightly, lowering his head into his hands. “It's official,” he mumbled, “I'm fucked.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im honestly so excited to add more chapters to this! 
> 
> Please correct any mistakes you see, and thanks for reading! 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The perspective kinda goes all the over place at the end of this whoops
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Thomas had barely been back, and things were falling apart. James and Thomas worked for this big insurance company, and they both worked on the official board. However, so did the always interesting Alexander Hamilton. Now, for James, this wasn't that much of a problem. Sure, the pair had had their messy history, but they were both very capable of ignoring it, at least during work hours. However, Thomas Jefferson was not that kind of person. The two disagreed on everything, and were constantly bickering. James often felt bad for George Washington, the company president, who had to constantly break up the twos fighting. Other than Hamilton, there was John Laurens, Alex’s boyfriend, meaning James didn't really hang around him much either. Lafayette and Hercules Mulligan were ok, if not a bit loud. James often got along fairly well with Aaron Burr, as they both shared the same dislike of Alexander. The only two females on the board were Angelica and Eliza Schuyler, two very intimidating women. Not a lot of people would mess with them. Thomas had tried flirting with Angelica on his first day, and only got an extra day's worth of work for his efforts. In the end, James had ended up doing over half of it.

*************** ***************

“Can you believe Hamilton said that!” Thomas exclaimed. He was sitting across from a very bored looking James in the office cafeteria, ranting on as usual.

“How dare he say that my opinion is invalid just because my ancestors had slaves! And what he said about you?! I can't believe he would stoop as low as to insult someone's sickness!” James sighed, Alexander had been right about one thing, James did get sick a lot. He could already feel a cold coming on from being out in the New York winter so much. Stifling a yawn, James looked over at his lunch partner. He seemed to be taking a break from whatever rant about Hamilton he'd been practically shouting for twenty minutes, and James seized the opportunity.

“You know we don't have to work for the rest of the day right?” James asked, taking a sip from his coffee. Thomas paused what looked like it was about to be the start to another Hamilton rant. Leaning on the table, Thomas smiled at James.

“So, what are we gonna do for the rest of the day?”

James almost spat out his drink.

“We?” He sputtered, trying not to choke. Thomas laughed, and James felt a blush creeping up his cheeks.

“Yes ‘ _we_ ’, who else would I hang out with on a Friday afternoon?” James considered the question. I guess James wasn't the only one stuck with just one friend. Friend. James felt a sharp stab in his heart at that word. Shoving it aside, he gave Thomas a gentle smile.

“I'd love to.”

Thomas decided to ignore James complete disregard to the original question, and instead said, “Meet me at my place at 2?”

“Sure,” James mumbled, setting down his coffee and grabbing his coat off the back of the chair. With a small nod goodbye, he tried to keep his composure until he got to his car. _I’m such an idiot_ , He thought to himself, resting his head on the steering wheel. He’d left the question of what they would be doing unanswered, and now Thomas would get to decide. If it were James, he would’ve gone for something nice, like going shopping downtown before sitting in front of Thomas’ giant fireplace, wrapped up in blankets. But no, since Thomas was deciding, they’d probably be going to see a horror movie, or a rock concert, or something equally as terrible that James wanted no part in. Well, James figured he’d better get home and prepare for the worst.

*************** ***************

This was not something James had been prepared for. As James walked through the gates and up the long driveway towards Jefferson’s house, he’d been expecting a super hyper Thomas ready to drag James away on some random adventure. Instead, he found that the house was empty. Had Thomas stood him up? Or maybe he just had emergency business he needed to take care of. But why wouldn’t he tell James beforehand? All these thoughts raced through James’ mind as he walked through the seemingly abandoned house. Accompanying those thoughts were answers, getting scarier and scarier the longer James explored. Finally, James reached the backdoor of the house. The windows were fogged up from the chilly winter air, so James couldn’t see outside. With a sigh, James slowly turned around to head out, only to come face to face with a shirtless Jefferson.

James froze, unsure of where exactly to put his eyes. He knew he should be staring at Thomas’ face, but he found he had a hard time keeping his eyes there. He noticed the dark blush that spread from Thomas’ cheeks all the way to his chest. _Wow_ , James thought, _he wasn’t kidding. He’s_ ripped. Thomas had always bragged to James about how muscular he was, but James had never seen it like this until now. Normally, James wouldn’t have cared, but now he found strange thoughts running through his head. A blush formed on his cheeks as he imagined running his hands over that caramel skin, slowly planting kisses all down his chest. A cough from Thomas snapped James’ head back up to Thomas’ face, and he immediately felt shame and embarrassment at what had just crossed his mind. There was no way he could ever speak to Thomas again after imagining _that_. For the first time in his life, Thomas seemed at a loss for words. The blush on his face and chest had grown darker, and he was staring at the floor. James rocked back and forth on his heels, awkwardly waiting for the other man to say something.

“Sorry you had to see me like this,” Thomas muttered, finally looking up at James. He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “I lost track of time and was in a rush to get ready. I didn’t hear you come in and figured the house was empty,” Thomas looked to the side, scratching the back of his head, “I… I should probably put a shirt on now.” James bit back the urge to say please don’t! And instead simply nodded and walked back to the living room.

Being completely unoccupied was always bad for James, because it meant that all the thoughts he had were free to roam around and gain his attention. It’s one of the reasons James hated being constantly sick, because when you can barely move, your brain has plenty of time to think. And right now, all James could think about was the shirtless man he’d just seen. James had never felt like this with anyone, and yet here Jefferson was, all tall and dark-skinned and incredibly attractive, making James feel like some teenage girl with a crush. Heck, maybe that’s what this was. James had never been opposed to the idea of dating someone, he’d just never really been interested in anyone. But of course, it was just James’ luck that his crush (if that was what it actually was) was on one of the most oblivious, not to mention very important, men James had ever met. Covering his face in his hands, James flopped over onto the couch, a habit he’d been doing a lot for the past month. When Thomas finally returned, fully clothed (James tried to push away the feeling of disappointment he got), James still didn’t move from his position on the couch. Thomas sighed, he had been James’ friend through all of elementary to high school, so he was used to James’ little episodes. He didn’t really know what had caused it this time, but if there was anything Thomas was good at, it was getting James to open up. Sitting on the arm of the couch, right above James’ head, which was still covered by his hands, Thomas resisted the urge to run his fingers through the other man’s short curls. Thomas knew full well that James did not like physical contact, and forcing it onto him would only make him go deeper into the pit of despair he was in right now. So instead, Thomas started singing one of the old southern songs James’ grandma used to sing to them. This song was James’ favourite, and Thomas knew it by heart. As he sang the song, Thomas kept his eyes glued to the curled up figure on his couch. James was shorter than Thomas, but had a much bigger build. Although Thomas couldn’t see them, he pictured James’ dark eyes, sparkling with happiness. Then he pictured those same eyes, filled with sadness and betrayal on the day Thomas had left for France. James’ dark skin went quite well with the plain white shirt and grey pants he had worn that day, and Thomas smiled to himself. James had always worn simple clothes, it fit his personality perfectly. He didn’t like to stand out in a crowd, and when it came to public things, James was perfectly happy letting Thomas take the lead. He didn’t want to think about what it would have been like for James all those years Thomas had been gone.

As Thomas finished the song, he noticed James stir slightly. “James?” Thomas asked, resisting the urge to shake the other man’s shoulder. James mumbled something that Thomas didn’t quite catch, before rolling onto his back and looking up at Thomas. There were no words to describe how grateful James was for Thomas. James had always had a lot of issues, both mental and physical, and it hadn’t been easy taking care of all of them himself. Sure, James took medication, but that didn’t always work, and there was nothing better than having your closest friend singing you songs to cheer you up. Smiling up at Thomas, James reached a hand up to touch the side of his face. Thomas’ eyes widened slightly, before he placed his hand over James, relaxing into the touch. They sat like that for who knows how long. Minutes? Hours? James didn’t care. All that mattered was that he was with Thomas, and for now, everything else faded away.

For the rest of the evening they ate dinner, talked, sat in front of the fireplace, played cards, and talked some more. James couldn’t have wished for a more perfect night, and he found himself dreading when he would have to go home. Glancing at the clock, Thomas sighed, getting up off the couch. “It’s getting pretty late,” he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice, “You should probably head home.” No longer hesitating, Thomas reached out a hand to help James up. James took it gratefully, and was suddenly painfully aware of how nice the warmth of Thomas’ hand in his own felt.

With a smile, James left the living room and headed for the front door, Thomas following close behind. Hand on the doorknob, James turned to Jefferson for a moment. Neither of them knew what to say. James found himself really not wanting to leave, and he could see in Thomas’ eyes that he wanted James to stay as well. “Goodnight Thomas,” James finally managed to say, dipping his head politely as he opened the door. Suddenly, before he could stop himself or even think about what he was doing, James pressed a light kiss to Thomas’ cheek, before quickly slipping out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really loved writing this (James is a smol bean) so I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, and please point out any mistakes!


	4. Chapter 4

Sure enough, the cold winter had brought along one of James’ many sick days. James had thought he'd been extra careful this year, always making sure to be properly covered up and only going outside when it was absolutely necessary. For a while, it had seemed to work. Until James woke up one morning with a fever of 80 and a nose so plugged he could barely breath. Groaning, James rolled over in his bed, shoving his sweat-covered sheets off. Well, looks like James wasn't going to work today. Or the next week. James hugged his legs to his chest, not wanting to move, or even exist until this passed. Sadly, James was still a human, and humans still needed to eat. As hunger and thirst eventually forced James out of his bed, he noticed a flurry of missed text messages on his phone, as well as several missed calls.

From: TJeffs  
_9:00_ where r u?  
_11:01_ its 11 y arent u here?  
_11:14_ im kinda worried now  
_11:20_ James  
_11:24_ Jaaammmeess  
_11:58_ James answer me or I stg I will come to ur house and drag u here

That was the last thing James wanted, so he quickly typed back,

To: TJeffs  
_12:03_ yeah sorry for not answering sooner ive been sleeping for the last 3 hrs  
_12:04_ im sick

From: TJeffs  
_12:04_ WHAT??!!  
_12:05_ JAMES WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME SOONER  
_12:05_ THATS IT IM COMING OVER RIGHT NOW TO TAKE CARE OF YOU

To: TJeffs  
_12:07_ please dont  
_12:08_ thomas?  
_12:18_ god dammit.

James didn't even have time to reach the door before a concerned looking Thomas barged into his apartment. Once Thomas noticed James, he immediately rushed over and started examining him. Normally, James would have immediately told Thomas to leave, but all he could manage now was a weak “I'm fine,” which didn't sound very convincing when followed by a series of hacking coughs.

“Ok, you're coming to stay with me until you get better,” Thomas stated matter of factly, peering behind James, “Now, tell me where your room is so I can pack some stuff for you.”

Unable to properly protest, and also knowing that Thomas was as stubborn as a mule, James weakly guided him to his room, listing off the things he would need. It's not like James hated the idea of staying with Thomas for a couple of days, taking care of himself while he was sick wasn't very fun after all. Also, James didn't know how long it had been since he'd slept somewhere other than his tiny apartment. You'd think someone with such a good job could afford at least a proper house, but almost all of his income went to his healthcare. As a result, he now seemed to be stuck being forcefully taken care of by his his over-protective rich friend. Thomas hurriedly ran around the room, grabbing things quickly and shoving them in a suitcase, the misorganization bugging James immensely. Every time James coughed, Thomas would rush over immediately and fret over him until James managed to convince him that he, amazingly, _wasn’t_ dying. Packing up James’ stuff took probably an entire half an hour longer than it should have because of this, and James was just grateful that Thomas was finally ready to go.

After being thoroughly wrapped in coats and blankets, James was ushered out to car. It took James a while to remind Thomas that he had a fever, and that his body was probably creating enough heat to melt the snow outside. Despite that fact however, James was still forced to wear as many layers as physically possible until they got inside the house. As he slowly peeled the many coats off, James realized he was still wearing his very sweat coated pajamas. Just as he thought this, James felt cold hands sliding up his back, slowly lifting the fabric of his shirt. Blushing, James spun around, pulling his shirt back down.

“What are you doing?” He snapped at Thomas, his voice sounded an octave higher than normal. Thomas looked taken aback, as if he hadn't expected James to react like that.

“I was going to help you get changed. Sorry if it made you uncomfortable,” Thomas muttered, raising his hands in surrender.

Glaring at Thomas, James shot back, “I may be sick, but I'm perfectly capable of getting dressed.”

“Yes, of course,” Thomas responded, still looking slightly disappointed. He watched James with a concerned expression as he walked out of the room, as if expecting James to fall over any minute. Ignoring Thomas, James turned his back on the door. Once he was sure Thomas was out his room, James sighed, burying his face in his hands. He felt his blush darken, and he couldn't get the thought of those gentle fingers sliding up his back out of his head. James shivered involuntarily, and tried to think about something else. However, it’s very hard not to think about how the most handsome person you've ever seen was standing just outside the door while you were getting changed. God, how was James going to get through this?

“You still look really warm,” Thomas fretted, looking over James’ body. Luckily, James could now blame the very steady blush on the fever. “Are you sure you don't have anything cooler than that?” James had put on a simple grey tank top, and sweatpants. There wasn't much else he owned that wasn't for work.

“Not unless I don't wear anything,” James shrugged, half joking. For a second, James swore he saw a flash of something in Thomas’ eyes when he said that, but James quickly dismissed it.

Thomas pouted slightly, “Ok, but if you get too hot in that shirt, I _will_ be taking it off.” It was very difficult for James to ignore the many implications of that statement, and James knew his blush was darkening. Now James was suffering on both the inside and the outside. Great. James asked Thomas if he could go sit down somewhere, and as expected, Thomas immediately led James to the living room couch, his arm around James for very un-needed support.

Since James had taken some medicine, his fever had gone down considerably. However, that meant James’ coller clothes were more of an inconvenience now, and the slightest mention of discomfort, Thomas was dragging over a ridiculously large pile of blankets. The pair sat together on the couch, James wrapped up in his blankets and Thomas sitting a polite distance away. They had the tv on, but neither of them were paying much attention to it. For the first time, James realized the silence didn't bother him. His mind was quiet. Sparing a glance at Thomas, James saw the other man was blissfully staring out the window, watching the snow fall. As far as James was concerned, this man's life had been almost perfect. Born into a rich family, smart, likeable (sometimes), he had been able to accomplish so much in so little time, leaving James behind in the dust. James didn't mind though, he wasn't the most ambitious person, and there was something intriguing about Thomas’ innocence. Oblivious to the world and the emotions of people around him, this man was as naïve as can be. James suddenly had the unbearable need to protect that innocence at all cost. There was no way James was going to let this man fall, especially if it was James’ own fault. No. James made a silent promise that night, he would never drag Thomas down with him, no matter the cost.

The night slowly progressed, and James hadn't even noticed Thomas slowly moving closer until the other man was wrapped up in James’ blankets, and head resting on James’ shoulder. There was definitely no issue with heat now, as the warmth from Thomas’ body slowly sealed into James bones. James could tell Thomas was on the verge of sleep, but he couldn't help but quickly ask, “why did you bring me here? Why couldn't we stay at my apartment?” James saw Thomas’ eyes blink open, the pale light of the windows reflecting off them.

“James, why would you ask such a ridiculous question?” Thomas mumbled, nuzzling his face into James’ shoulder. “I brought you here because I can't stand seeing people I care about unhappy, and that tiny apartment was miserable.” Something about that answer disappointed James, but right before Thomas fell asleep, James heard him whisper,

“If I could, I'd make you to stay here forever.”

*************** ***************

James had been staying at Thomas’ for 3 days now, and not at all _disappointingly_ , James was beginning to feel better. He admitted that he was probably milking this visit a bit, taking advantage of the large space and fancy silverware as much as he could. James could tell Thomas greatly enjoyed showing off his massive house, as just the basic tour took almost 3 hours. Despite that, Thomas still spent most of his time lecturing James on moving around too much, not eating enough, etc. Etc. As much as James tried, there was no convincing Thomas to go back to work. After all, Thomas had insisted on staying with James until he was better. Even though Thomas knew full well that could take weeks, he still stayed. James was beginning to worry, knowing that if news like this got out to the public, there would definitely be a scandal. Not that anything scandalous would ever happen, of course. Since James was beginning to feel better, he started getting curious as to what was around the house. Despite the long tour Thomas had given the first day here, there were still rooms and places James hadn't seen. Outside, for instance. For the past couple of days, neither of them had planned on leaving the house, so they were just kinda hanging out in their pajamas. But James was now really itching to get some fresh air. Plus, from what he'd managed to glimpse through the foggy windows, it looked like Thomas had an amazing garden. James decided that Thomas was not his mother, and he could go outside for a bit if he wanted. Of course, he would bundle up and only go out for a couple of minutes, he wasn't crazy.

Slinking out the back door, James marvelled at the sight before him. Even covered in snow and ice, the garden was beautiful. Luckily, there weren't any stone statues or anything like that, those things creeped James out quite a lot. Glistening fountains of varying sizes were dotted across the massive space, icicles glittering all over them. The only green left were the short, well groomed fern trees, carefully crafted into different shapes. The white expanse of snow covered everything, the bare black trees a stark difference in the background. James was surprised something could look this nice in the bleak winter, but Thomas had always been able to surprise him. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, James turned to see a surprisingly happy Thomas behind him.

“It's beautiful isn't it?” Thomas asked, pressing against James for warmth. James had realized a while ago that he no longer recoiled from Thomas’ touch, and found he often even _missed_ it.

“Yeah,” James sighed, resting his head on Thomas’ shoulder, “it is.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of angst in this chapter, so sorry. (Although I did warn you) 
> 
> You also get to meet some of the other characters (briefly), so I hope I didn't get the wrong characterisation of anyone! (French translations at the end) 
> 
> Enjoy!

James has finally gotten better, meaning two things. One, he could go back home, which was complicated enough. It took several hours to convince Thomas that he was well enough to go home, and even more time to pack up all his stuff. James was fairly certain Thomas had taken that long on purpose. Secondly, James and Thomas could go back to work. As happy as James was to finally stop stressing over all the stuff he'd missed, he also knew that work brought on a lot more complications. More specifically, things like Thomas and Hamilton's constant fighting, and the responsibility and work that came with representing a company. Sighing, James leaned on the door of Thomas’ car. Once Thomas had found out James didn't have a car, and normally took the bus, he immediately offered to drive James to work every morning. Especially during the winter. Sadly, this meant James had to get up earlier every day, and it was starting to take a toll. James had only been back at work for a couple of days, and he felt like he could sleep for a week. As they slowly pulled up to the office, James forced himself out of the car seat and outside. James could feel Thomas wrap his arm around his shoulder, and James had to fight the urge to push it off. Stuff like this was fine in private, but James feared the consequences that could come from it being seen in public. Turning to Thomas, James carefully removed the arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders. “Not here,” James muttered, speeding up his pace to get away from the confused and slightly hurt look on Thomas’ face.

Stepping into the building, James was greeted first by the person he wanted to see the least that morning. Alexander Hamilton. “James!” The man exclaimed, getting a little too close for James comfort, “Glad to see you back on your feet!” As James prepared some excuse to get away from this conversation, another familiar voice appeared from behind Alexander.

“Alex come on, leave him alone. I'm sure he's tired,” John Laurens said, tapping his boyfriend on the shoulder. Alexander turned, a bright smile appearing in his face at the sight of the freckled person behind him. As John led Alexander away, James flashed him a thankful smile. John smiled back, before disappearing into his office with Alexander. With a sigh, James tried (and failed) to get to his office before anyone else noticed he was here. However, right as he opened his office door, a voice called his name. Attempting to keep the disappointment off his face, James turned to face his boss.

“I just figured I should check on you,” Washington said, an apologetic look on his face. Maybe James hadn't done a very good job hiding his disappointment after all.

“I appreciate it, but I would like to get to work now sir,” James replied, once again attempting to slip into his office.

“Alright Madison, I'll be sure to tell everyone to leave you alone for the rest of the day,” Washington finally finished, turning to leave. Nodding his thanks, James finally managed to sit down and catch up on all his work.

True to his word, Washington did a very good job of keeping everyone away that day. Although, that did not stop everyone from ambushing him on his way out the door. Walking with Thomas, it took what felt like hours for James to tell everyone “I’m fine,” and “Yes, thank you for your concern.” The final person James was stopped by was Lafayette. It’s not that James didn’t _like_ Lafayette, it's just that he was far too excitable a person for James to deal with right now. Lafayette was tall, with his dark poofy hair, much like Thomas’, pulled back into a ponytail. The man stopped in front of James, and, ignoring the disapproving glare from Thomas, spoke.

“Mon ami, it has been quite a while since I’ve seen you,” he said, his french accent more prominent than ever. James didn’t have even a basic understanding of French, so he decided to assume the start of that sentence had been a positive thing.

“Yes, well, it’s good to see you Lafayette,” James responded, opening the door to Thomas’ door and praying Lafayette would get the message. Sadly, he did not. 

 

“So, I see you and Thomas are still friends? Alexander told me about your past,” _Of course he did_ , James thought, annoyance flaring up inside him.

Lafayette continued, “It’s a shame, really. I would never dream of leaving America. Especially knowing I had left a friend here” Thomas tensed, and Lafayette quickly attempted to fix his mistake.

“Oh yes, _pardon_. Er, I mean _sorry_. I did not mean to offend you mon ami,” Lafayette muttered, taking a step back, “I-I really should get going now, bonne nuit,” he finally finished before nervously turning away from the pair.

*************** ***************

“Well, that felt like hell,” James mumbled, finally getting into the car. As Thomas got behind the wheel, James noticed he’d been oddly quiet and tense since their encounter with the French man.

“Thomas?” James asked, gingerly resting a hand on the other man’s shoulder, “Are you alright?” Thomas shook his head, and James immediately pulled his hand away.

“Can we just go home?” Thomas muttered, staring dejectedly at the steering wheel. James nodded, putting on his seat belt and leaning back in the seat. The drive was long and quiet, and it was only after they’d arrived back at Thomas’ house that James noticed Thomas had said “we” and “home” in the same sentence. It was almost as if Thomas thought James had moved in permanently. James decided that now was maybe not the best time to remind Thomas that that wasn’t true, and simply led the man up the driveway and into his house.

Once James made sure Thomas was comfortably wrapped up in his bed, James brought him a cup of hot chocolate and some random cookies he had found in one of Thomas’ cupboards. “Oh James, how did I ever survive four years without you?” Thomas asked, smiling as he gratefully took the food.

“That’s a good question,” James answered somewhat sarcastically. James knew full well that Thomas’ life had been fine without him in it.

Apparently Thomas had noticed the sarcasm in James’ voice, and frowned at him. “Is that it? Did you think I didn’t miss you? Is that why you never called?”

Sadness clenched at James’ heart, and he choked out, “I could ask you the same question.”

“James…”

“No.”

“James, please listen, I-”

“No! No Thomas, I don’t want to hear you apologize. It won’t mean anything now. What’s done is done.” James tried to be angry, he really did. But the emotion wouldn’t come. All that came was the memory of the sadness of those lonely nights at home, alone, with no one around him who cared. The horrible betrayed feeling he’d felt when Thomas had said goodbye to him at the airport. James prided himself at being really good at hiding his emotions, but everything just came spilling out at once, and James had to fight to hold back the tears.

“James… do you hate me?”

Blinking open his eyes, James finally looked back at Thomas. His eyes were red, and there were tears slowly falling down his face.

“C-Cause, it’s okay if you do. I know I left you behind all by yourself and that I’m a terrible person who doesn’t deserve your kindness,” Thomas sobbed, “but… but I don’t want you to hate me. I know I can never undo what I’ve done, and that it’ll always be there, and that you’ll never believe me when I say I’m sorry... “ Thomas paused, looking up at James with those pleading brown eyes, “But I want you to care about me, because… because I care about you.”

James didn’t know what had happened. First he was had hugged Thomas, hugged him so tightly he thought he might hurt him, then they were lying in Thomas’ bed, Thomas still softly crying into James’ shoulder. James was running his fingers through Thomas’ hair, making soothing little noise and gently rubbing his back.

“Of course I care about you Thomas,” James muttered, wrapping his arms around the other man’s shoulders. This caused Thomas to look up, and James gently wiped the remaining tears from his face. Thomas smiled slightly, and all James could think about was how long he wanted this moment to last. James had never experienced anything like this. The feeling of his arms wrapped around Thomas, and Thomas’ faint smile in the dim light made James feel like he finally belonged somewhere. He belonged here, in this giant mansion cuddled up in bed with this man. The man he’d never thought he could care about this much. The man who made James realize just how human he was, and just how much he needed Thomas there. James knew that without this man in his life, he wouldn’t have a purpose anymore.

“I’m glad,” Thomas mumbled, nuzzling his face into James’ shoulder. Eventually, Thomas’ breathing slowed and James knew he was asleep. This left James stuck, trying to decide whether or not he would leave in the morning, and whether or not Thomas felt the same way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mon ami - my friend  
> pardon - sorry  
> bonne nuit - good night


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly fluff to apologise for the angst last chapter, 
> 
> so enjoy!

James had never realized Thomas liked to cook. That is until he was woken by the delicious aroma of waffle wafting through the door. For a moment James was confused, who would be making waffles for him? And why was this bed so big? Sitting up, James finally remembered the events of last night and sighed. He really didn't know what was happening between him and Thomas, and he honestly didn't want to face it right now. Glancing at the clock, James noticed Thomas had let him sleep in. It was already 10. James could hear soft singing from the kitchen, and with a soft smile, James closes his eyes to listen to the gentle singing. Although he would never admit it, Thomas was actually quite a good singer. Slowly, James moved out of the bed, trying to get up without letting Thomas know he was awake. He didn't want that marvellous singing to stop. Somehow managing to keep from making any noise, James suddenly realized he didn't have any clothes to change into. Guess he’d be interrupting Thomas after all.

Apparently, Thomas did have some old clothes that (kinda) fit James. They were still too long for James’ shorter form, but they would suffice. Feeling awkward, James stood in the large kitchen, waiting for Thomas to finish. It turns out James had been right, Thomas was making waffles. His kitchen was filled with all sorts of things James could never have, and he made sure to make a list of all the things he would need to take advantage of when he had the chance. For now, he simply decided on what he would be putting on the waffles once they were finished. Real maple syrup (James had only ever had the fake cheap kind), fresh strawberries, homemade whip cream and a little bit of chocolate sauce for good measure. James had definitely noticed the empty feeling in his stomach, and realized he hadn't eaten dinner last night. Dammit, James thought, mentally scolding himself. If he didn't want to get sick again, he would need to take better care of himself. Thomas’ happy voice cut into James’ thoughts, and he was quickly shoved/guided into the living room.

“Breakfast is served!” Thomas exclaimed, placing a heaping stack of waffles in front of James. James couldn't even remember the last time he'd had homemade waffles, and his mouth watered at the amazing sight in front of him. The addition of James’ planned toppings only made it look more delicious. Without even waiting for Thomas to get his own food, James began ripping apart the delicately stacked breakfast. When Thomas walked back into the room, hands full with his own plate of waffles, he couldn't help but smile.

“Jeez, you'd think you'd never had waffles before,” Thomas said, sitting down next to James and nudging him with his elbow.

James swallowed and looked back at Thomas, “Well I've never had waffles this good,” James smiled, looking like he wanted to go back to devouring the food. Before he did this however, he quickly added, “Plus, you neglected to feed me last night.”

Thomas immediately felt guilty, and started quickly stammering out apologies. James laughed, a rare sound from the otherwise serious man. Thomas had missed that laugh.

“It's fine Thomas, we were having er…” James hesitated, thinking a second before finishing, “a moment.”

“Yes…” Thomas muttered, looking down at his lap, “Sorry about that.”

“There's nothing to be sorry for Thomas, we all have bad days. There's no hard feelings.”

Thomas couldn't tell if that was referring to the lack of food, or about what Thomas had said last night. James of course, knew it meant both. James knew Thomas had meant no harm when he left for France, and that it had never been his plan to abandon James completely like he had. But it was over and done with, and James could just be happy that Thomas was here right now, in the present.

Once the two finished breakfast, James could feel exhaustion creeping in. He hadn't actually slept well last night, due to the constant thoughts and questions his brain kept throwing out there. Knowing full well that he would get sick again if he didn't get more sleep, he told Thomas his plan and quickly returned to Thomas’ bedroom. James realized he probably should have gone back to the room he'd stayed in last time he was here, but there was something oddly comforting about Thomas’ bed. Every part of it reminded him of Thomas, and James couldn't help but appreciate that. While they had been eating, someone had remade it, so James could see all the Thomas in it. The bed sheets were a pale magenta colour, Thomas’ favourite colour, and the woodwork of the bed frame was absolutely exquisite. Running his hand over the intricate designs, James couldn't help but imagine Thomas cuddled up in all those fluffy white pillows, working away on his laptop in the dark, with that cute little pout he always had whenever he was concentrating. James smiled to himself, and after lifting his (Thomas’) shirt off, delicately slid under the soft sheets. Honestly, James wondered how Thomas could sleep with all these pillows everywhere, and immediately through over half of them on the ground. It may have been a little rude, but James was too tired to care. Surrounded by the same pillows and sheets Thomas slept in, James slowly drifted off.

“Jaaammess,” Thomas’ loud cry  
cut through the blackness of James sleep, and he quickly lifted the covers up to cover his head.

“James Madison! You ruined my pillows!” Thomas complained, hitting the spot where James’ head was with one of the aforementioned pillows. James groaned, and slowly rolled over, revealing his face.

“You've been asleep for hours James,” Thomas explained, crossing his arms annoyedly, “I've been so lonely by myself.”

Not bothering to respond, James simply recovered his head and flopped back onto the bed. He felt Thomas throwing all the pillows from the floor back onto the bed, and James sighed, burying his head deeper into the blankets. In response, Thomas crawled onto the bed next to James, ripping the covers off the other man's body, revealing James’ bare chest. Immediately, James felt a blush crawling up his neck, and he quickly tried to cover himself back up. Despite the slight blush on his face, Thomas barely faltered. He pulled the blanket up and carefully slid under it, moving closer to James under the covers. Shifting uncomfortably, James coughed before asking,

“Er, what are you doing?”

“Hm?” Thomas said, lifting his head up, “Isn't it obvious? If you're not going to get out of bed, then I'll lay in bed with you.”

James blinked in surprise, wondering why on earth Thomas would want to be around him so much, that he was willing to simply lie there with him. Thomas rolled onto his side so he could face James.

“What? Do you not want me here?”

James swallowed nervously. Of course he wanted Thomas here. This was everything he'd ever imagined. But there was still the question of why Thomas was doing this. Did he feel the same way? Shakily, James nodded his head in response, and Thomas smiled back at him, dark eyes sparkling. Slowly, Thomas brought his hand up to James’ chest, and James froze. As Thomas drew lazy circles with his finger, James barely even registered that Thomas had said anything.

“C-could you repeat that?” James asked shakily, trying to hide the chills running some his spine.

Thomas smiled, and still keeping his eyes focused on James’ bare chest, he muttered, “I just said you look really cute when you're flustered.” Thomas finally brought his eyes up to meet James’, a mischievous smile on his face. The intense look in Thomas’ eyes sent another chill down James’ spine, and he felt a dark blush running over his face.

“You can't possibly mean that,” he finally choked out, completely unable to move, or even breath. Thomas smiled again, stopping the movements of his hand on James’ skin. James wanted to protest, something about those small movements has felt strangely nice, but once again found himself completely unable to talk. Instead, James rolled over onto his side, facing away from Thomas. It was impossible to keep the growing smile off his face as Thomas wrapped his arm around him, and James had to fight the urge to hide his face in his hands. This was not what James had been expecting when he first got that call from Thomas to come get him from the airport. James had been expecting distance and, best case scenario, maybe they would have become friends again, but nothing at all like they'd been before. He had definitely not expected this. Being wrapped up in Thomas’ arms, no one saying a word. Words weren't needed here, and with the warmth of Thomas’ body pressed against his own, James slowly began to drift back into sleep. However, right as the darkness once again overtook him, James faintly heard three whispered words.

“I love you.”

For the rest of his life James would wonder about those words. Had Thomas actually said them? Or were they simply a figment of James’ tired mind? Those were the questions that haunted James, and little did he know, he would never get the answer.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Im technically posting this a day early, but I really want to post everything I have written. (also i know this chapter is a bit short, I couldn't resist the little cliffhanger at the end)
> 
> Enjoy!

James had never liked change. But now, his life was full of it. The first thing was James hadn't slept in his own house for months now, and he still wasn't used to how giant Thomas’ house was. He knew people at work were getting suspicious, but James was very good at keeping his feelings in check. Thomas however, was a entirely different story. James had to constantly remind the clingy man to tone it down a little in public. Knowing full well that Thomas would never fully understand the consequences of this, James had to put a lot of work into keeping everything a secret. You see, when you literally represent one of the biggest companies in New York, any kind of scandal can ruin your life. Now, Thomas didn't think it was that big of a deal, but James had seen too many people crash and burn to risk it.

The other big change in James’ life happened about a week ago, when news of Washington's retirement was announced. Everyone had been shocked into silence at the news, except of course, one Alexander Hamilton.

“Sir! You can't be serious!” The man had shouted, “What will we do without you?!” For many people hear, Hamilton included, Washington had been like an adopted father figure, so James could understand the sadness and shock in many people's faces. James hadn't worked here as long as the others, so he didn't really feel that same connection, although he was still sad to see such a brilliant man stepping down so soon.

“Please sir! It's far too early for you to retire! You could still serve for many years to come!” Hamilton shouted, desperation leaking into his voice. Hamilton and  
Washington had always been particularly close, and it was the constant favouritism the caused a lot of the tension between Alexander and Thomas. Washington shook his head sadly, and James could tell he'd had this conversation before.

Looking at all of the people crowded in the room, Washington spoke, “I've ran this company for many years, and I could not be prouder of the results. However, as sad as I am to step away, I acknowledge that it is time I let someone else take the reins. I know that many of you will not be happy with his decision,” he shot a look at Hamilton, who looked like he still wanted to shout many thing, before continuing, “but I know that you'll do fine without me here. An election will held in two weeks to decide the next president, and I wish you all the best of luck.” With a sigh, Washington finished his short speech, before walking around the room to say his goodbyes to everyone personally. James kept his farewell short. He had never felt the same connection with this man as many others did. James watched as Washington approached Alexander, who looked like he still wanted to scream all the reasons Washington should stay. But as Alexander opened his mouth, Washington cut him off with a shake of his head. For the first time in James’ memory, Hamilton was at a loss for words. Slowly weaving through the small crowd of people, James made his way over to Thomas, who was leaning against the doorframe at the back of the room.

“It's a shame isn't it?” Thomas asked, looking over at James, “he could've kept working for a lot longer if he really wanted too. I guess he decided enough was enough though.” Thomas shrugged, and James nodded in response.

“Maybe he finally got tired of Hamilton’s constant talking,” James joked, attempting to lighten the mood. It seemed to work, and Thomas laughed slightly.

“I'm surprised _anyone_ could be around Alexander that long.” He commented, and James smiled.

“Well, he does have a boyfriend, so he has to be doing something right.”

James knew it had been quite a risk for Alexander and John to come out as dating, and even then, they were very careful to keep the knowledge inside the confines of the company. Thomas once again looked back at James, a question that James had answered many times glistening in his eyes. Shaking his head slowly, James answered sadly,

“You know what would happen Thomas. Alexander has always been a risk taker, and for him, it payed off. We might not be so lucky.” James crossed his arms over his chest, trying to ignore the tightness in his heart at the thought of what they could never have. Forcing a smile, James turned back to the still disappointed Thomas and muttered,

“We can talk about this more at home.”

************* *************

Thomas didn't hesitate. As soon as the pair stepped into the house, he blurted out, “I'm going to run for president!”

James blinked in astonishment. Honestly, James had been expecting this, but so soon after Washington’s retirement? He looked at the determined look on Thomas’ face, and knew there would be no changing Thomas’ mind. James could still try though.

“Thomas, are you sure about this? That would mean a lot more responsibility for you, and…” James hesitated before adding this last part, “we wouldn't be able to do this anymore.”

This made the determined look on Thomas’ face falter, and he glared as James. Squirming under Thomas’ intense gaze, James wondered what exactly was running through the other man's mind. Thomas stared for what felt like an eternity, before suddenly saying, “Come with me,” and pulling James to the back door.

Confusion clouded James’ thoughts as Thomas stopped right before the back exit, and turned to face James. “Do you have a swimsuit here?” Thomas asked in the same serious tone as before. James was really starting to get nervous, and simply shook his head in response.

Thomas sighed, shaking his head at the ground. “Ok, you can borrow one of mine then,” he finally said, shoving James into his bedroom.

“Go get changed, and I'll meet you in the swimming pool.”

James’ heart raced. Swimming? That's what Thomas had grown all serious about? And why hadn't Thomas said anything about what James has mentioned. Sitting down on the bed, James contemplated just what Thomas was doing. It seemed innocent enough, but the tone Thomas’ voice had concerned James. Honestly, James didn't even like swimming that much anyway, but he seemed to know that he didn't have much choice in the matter. After getting changed, James peaked his head out the door, looking to see if Thomas was around. True to his word, it seemed Thomas was indeed waiting in the pool. Taking a deep breath, James stepped out into the hallway and began making his way to the door he knew would lead him to his fate, whatever exactly that was.

As he opened the door, James saw Thomas was leaning against the side of the pool, his normally wild hair tamed slightly but the water. Shivering, James covered his chest with his arms, from both cold and embarrassment. There was a reason James didn't like swimming. He was fairly self-conscious of his body, and didn't really like the idea of being half naked in a public area. _But this is just Thomas_ , James reminded himself, hoping it would help calm him down. However, it has the opposite effect as Thomas ran his thoughtful gaze over James’ body. James felt like he was blushing from head to toe, and all he really wanted to do was get out of this room and away from Thomas’ burning gaze as fast as possible. Thomas motioned for James to come closer, and despite his brain screaming for him to do the exact opposite, his feet betrayed him as they carried him over to the edge of the pool.

James refused to meet Thomas’ gaze, and kept his eyes focused determinedly on the opposite wall. Thomas chuckled, splashing James’ legs with water. James yelped at the cold, quickly jumping back from the edge of the pool. Thomas laughed, not a trade of the seriousness from before left over. Glaring down at him, James fought to keep the smile off his face, instead opting to sit down on the marble floor, crossing his legs underneath him. Thomas seemed disappointed, but decided for now he would leave James alone. Pushing away from the side, Thomas swam away from James, a silent invitation for the other man to join him. James has to admit, the water did look tempting, especially with Thomas constantly pressuring him to jump in, but James was happy to just sit and watch Thomas swim. Resting his head on his hand, James intently watched Thomas move effortlessly through the water. All that early morning swimming had really payed off it seemed. With a sigh, James leaned back on the marble floor, the cold shocking him slightly. Gazing up at the tall roof, James still couldn't push away the sense of dread he still had. Why had that look in Thomas’ eyes been so intense?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE SHOWER SCENE I SWEAR
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

After a couple of hours, Thomas finally tempted James into the pool. Although he still refused to actually swim, James was willing to simply stand there while Thomas swam around him. James also placed a very strict rule that if Thomas splashed him, he would never come back to this house. This was definitely enough to keep the mischievous Thomas at bay, but the man was still disappointed that James had figured out his plan so quickly. For now, Thomas could live with simply swimming around James, occasionally stopping to wrap his arms around the other man’s waist. James definitely didn’t mind the extra affection, and despite his dislike of swimming, seemed to be actually enjoying himself. Thomas was telling his bad jokes and water puns the entire time, while also trying to show off his, rather terrible, attempts at tricks. For the first time in what felt like forever, James laughed.

“Ah, so you can laugh,” Thomas commented, wading over to James. James shoved him playfully, something else he couldn’t remember the last time he’d done.

“You know you’re the only person who’s ever made me laugh,” James muttered, unsure of whether he actually wanted to say that or not. With a smile, Thomas grabbed James by the waist and lifted him up, causing James to yelp and cling to Thomas’ shoulders for dear life. Calming down a little, James wrapped his legs around Thomas’ waist before glaring into the other man's brown eyes. Thomas’ eyes sparkled happily, and James found any shred of anger from before completely disappear, replaced by a warm, glowy feeling that started in his chest and spread through his whole body.

Thomas nuzzled his face into the crook of James’ neck, “And you’re the only person who makes me this happy,” he whispered against James skin, and for the first time in his life, James desperately wanted to kiss someone. He wanted to lift Thomas’ head up, look into those glittering eyes, and press their lips together. James wondered what it would feel like. What would Thomas think? James had never kissed anyone before, what if he was terrible? Despite all these doubts, the urge didn’t go away. Thomas lifted his head up finally, and James knew this was his chance. Everything inside of him screamed for him to do it, and he almost did. But something deep down in his chest, a feeling maybe? Something stopped him, stopped him from doing what was now the only thing he wanted to do. James couldn’t fight it. He tried, but that dread? Wouldn’t let him. Disappointment slowly ate at him as Thomas slowly lowered him back onto his own two feet, and James had to force the smile that he knew should be on his face. Thomas suddenly looked concerned, and James realized that maybe he hadn't done such a good job after all.

“Is something wrong James?” Thomas asked, taking a step back to give James space. James nodded reassuringly, making sure to put a bit more work into his smile this time.

“Can we get out now? I'm starting to get a little cold,” he explained, hoping it would be an acceptable excuse.

Thomas immediately dragged James out of the pool, saying, “Of course! Of course! Why didn't you say anything? I would never want to cause you any discomfort!”

Allowing Thomas to fuss over him, James stood still as Thomas toweled him off. Once he was satisfied with that, Thomas led James out of the pool area, back through the house, and into the bathroom.

James he had been prepared for anything. His overactive brain was constantly coming up with solutions to as many problems it could think of. They were mostly social problems, but James still felt he was ready for anything. Something he was ready for however, was one Thomas Jefferson stripping naked in front of him. It was like James’ brain had completely shut down. His eyes were trying to look nowhere and everywhere at once, and James knew he was trying to form words, but all that came out was an incoherent babble.

After scrabbling around for what felt like hours, James finally managed to squeak out, “T-T-Thomas I-I’m still h-here.”

Thomas looked up at him, a sly grin on his face. James swallowed nervously, the blush across his face and chest deepening.

“I figured we should shower together,” Thomas claimed, stepping towards James, “It would conserve water after all.” James fought back a squeal as his back was pressed against the cold countertop, and he forced himself to look at the, now very close, man in front of him. Not trusting himself to form words, James simply stared in silence at the taller man. It had been hard enough being in just a swimming suit, how was James supposed to be completely naked in front of someone who could easily be a model? Shakily, James shook his head “no”, but it didn't feel entirely honest. Thomas seemed to sense this, and slowly brought his hand up to James’ face.

Pressing their foreheads together, Thomas stared into James eyes and whispered, “You're already beautiful to me James, nothing about your appearance will ever change that.”

James tried to find any trace of lies or mockery in Thomas’ eyes, but instead found only sadness and desperation. Desperation? Was Thomas desperate to make James believe the things he said? Tears welled up in James’ eyes, and it was then that James was certain. This man was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. There was no one else in the world who could make James feel this way, and James wanted Thomas as part of his life. James loved him.

Closing his eyes, urgency leaked into his voice as Thomas muttered, “Please James. Please trust me. Everything about you is beautiful. Why won't you believe that?” Lowering Thomas’ hand from his face, James delicately pushed Thomas away.

Blinking back tears, James silently whispered, “I trust you,” before slowly sliding off his swimsuit.

James thought he would be uncomfortable, that as soon as he did it he would want to go back. But he didn't. He didn't fidget or blush under Thomas’ gaze, and he didn't feel intimidated at all by their closeness. All he felt was a happy glow in his chest. A glow he had never felt before. The feeling of being loved, and loving someone. Thomas didn't care about all of James’ imperfections, he didn't see them as flaws, but as part of what made James, James. To Thomas, everything about him was amazing, and James felt it. He felt it in the way Thomas looked at him, the way Thomas moved his hands over James’ body, guiding him into the shower. Neither of them spoke, there was no need to. They said everything they needed to say through their movements and eyes. Everything James had ever wanted was right here.

************* *************

The two had stayed in the shower for hours, and James was quite ready to go curl up in bed (with Thomas of course). After throwing on a pair of Thomas’ pants, James had grown to love the slightly-too-long clothing, James waited in the bedroom for Thomas to finish getting ready.

When Thomas returned, James couldn’t help but blurt out, “Why did you do that? After everything I said about us not being possible, why would you do that to me?” James didn’t know when the tears had begun to fall, but he still continued,

“I was finally coming to terms with it, with never being around you again. I thought you were mad at me. Then you go and do… that to me. How can I ever let you go after everything you just did?”

This was the first time James had ever cried properly in front of someone. There seemed to be a lot of first times with Thomas. Thomas sat down on the bed while James continued to sob.   
“James…” he started, moving to wrap his arm around the crying man.

James pulled away, crying, “No! Stop it! I can’t take this! How can you do this to me?”

Thomas flinched at the rejection and the accusation. Moving away from James, he muttered, “James… do you really think I’m trying to hurt you?”

Hearing the pain in Thomas’ voice, James blinked up at him. Of course James didn’t think that. None of this was Thomas’ fault. James was falling deeper into his own demise, and he was letting Thomas pull him into it. James had given Thomas too much hope, and they were both paying the price.

Saying none of this, James simply asked, “Then what were you trying to do?”

Thomas smiled at him, a sad pitiful smile. “I was trying to prove that we wouldn’t have to stop.”

James blinked. What a beautiful lie. Although, James supposed it wasn’t that impossible that Thomas could be that naive. But, for right now, it was a lie James was willing to believe. He pulled Thomas towards him, burying his face in the other man’s chest. Thomas planted a kiss to the top of his head, and for a moment, James might have actually believed that it could work.

For a moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kinda short, but it's all fluff so
> 
> Enjoy!

The week had been what felt like endless suffering. Sure, James knew that was over-exaggeration, but it had not been very fun. Thomas had officially announced his plan to run for president, alongside John Adams. The latter James had barely known existed, and was quite surprised when he announced he was running. The announcement meant that James had a lot more paperwork, and actually finishing it became much harder with Thomas’ constant need for attention. Thomas, however reluctantly, had agreed to keep their interactions in public to a minimum, but that only made him all the more clingy at home. Most of the time, James never really minded, but with the truck ton of work he now had, he would often have to lock his bedroom door to keep the ever-present Thomas at bay. Once the weekend rolled around, Thomas seemed to have decided that it was time James took a break.

“Jaaaaammmesss,” Thomas whispered, nudging the other man's sleeping form, “It’s almost noon James. I was really hoping we could just, like, hang out today.” Thomas nuzzled his face into James’ back, muttering, “You need to stop constantly working and come watch a movie or something.”

Begrudgingly, James finally rolled over to face Thomas. Vision still blurry from sleep, he glared at Thomas, unsure of how to answer. On one hand, having a nice quiet day snuggled up on the couch watching movies sounded great, but on the other hand, James really didn’t want to move from the comfortable pile of blankets and pillows he was currently lying in. Thomas ran his hand over the side of James’ face, a pleading look in his eyes. Sighing, James gave in and crawled out of bed. He did owe Thomas after all.

Practically skipping into the living room, Thomas laid out a large collection of movies in front of the couch. James, following much less eagerly, surveyed the selection. Thomas had all kinds of movies, from thrillers, to sci-fi to the cheesiest rom-coms. Still unwilling to speak, James flopped onto the couch and wrapped a blanket around himself. He wasn’t really in the mood to have to choose something, and he didn’t particularly care about what they watched.

“Well, I’m gonna go get some snacks or something, then we can choose together,” Thomas explained, standing up. James nodded in response, his tired mind unable to do much more. With a slight smile, Thomas ruffled James’ hair before walking into the kitchen.

After at least a half an hour of Thomas holding up movies and trying to decipher James’ grunts and noises into “yes” or “no”, they finally decided on 3 different movies. The first one they were going to watch was a bit of a horror movie, James had only wanted to watch it for the mystery, and Thomas couldn’t really say no. As the movie started, Thomas felt prickles of anxiety creeping into his stomach. He’d never really been a fan of scary movies. He knew that everything was fake of course, but the jump scares and suspense really got to him. Huddling closer to James, Thomas prepared to cover his head with the blanket whenever necessary.

“Are you alright?” James asked, looking over at Thomas with concern. The movie had only been on for a couple of minutes, and Thomas looked like he wanted to become one with the couch. Thomas nodded slowly, bringing the blanket up to his face. Fighting back a laugh, James wrapped his arm around Thomas’ shoulders. James knew better than to try and stop Thomas from watching. Once Thomas set out to do something, he would never back down. Besides, James would also get quite the show.

At first, the only movements Thomas made were slight jumps and little noises, which James found adorable. But as the movie began to reach its climax, one particular jump scare made Thomas practically leap into James’ lap. Wrapping his arms tightly around the smaller man, Thomas didn’t move from the position for the rest of the movie.

Once the credits finally started, Thomas muttered, “I hate you.” James laughed, and carefully tried to disentangle Thomas’ arms from around him.

“I know that’s not true,” James responded. Thomas had tightened his grip around James, and no matter how hard he tried, James could not get him off. Thomas smirked down and him, and James responded with a glare. Resting his head on James’ shoulder, Thomas sighed.

“Why did I let you make me watch that?”

James snorted indignantly, “I don’t recall it being my idea we watch a movie.”

Thomas pouted at this, pressing a kiss to the side of James’ neck. “You can be a real pain in the ass, you know that right?”

James shrugged, running his hands through Thomas’ hair. “At least I don’t get scared by horror movies.”

Thomas hit his arm gently, and James laughed again. “At least I don’t wake up at noon every day,” he retorted.

James gasped in mock horror, wrapping his arms around Thomas and rolling so Thomas was trapped underneath him. Running his hands up and down Thomas’ sides, James tickled him mercilessly until he was gasping for breath. There were tears streaming down Thomas’ face as he laughed and gasped for air, flailing helplessly underneath James. James grinned triumphantly, finally stopping so that Thomas could breath.

Drawing in a shuddering breath, Thomas panted out, “Fine fine… you win.” James smiled down at Thomas, his eyes glittering with victory. Thomas glared back, sticking his tongue out in fake anger. James leaned over Thomas, resting his hands on the arm rest just above Thomas’ head. Thomas’ eyes glittered with happiness, and James felt a surge of warmth rise in his chest. He bent his head closer to Thomas’ face, heart pounding.

For a split second, everything was perfect. Then Thomas muttered, “At least I didn’t need to be dragged out of bed this morning.”

James hit him with a pillow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These next two chapters are so self indulgent I stg. Anyways, THANKS TO EVERYONE WHOS LEFT KUDOS AND COMMENTED YOU GUYS ARE SO NICE 
> 
> enjoy!

“Thomas, we need to actually start thinking about the election.” James muttered annoyedly. Thomas was sprawled face down across the bed, waving a hand at James dismissively.

“You haven't left the house in almost a week. If you want to make a good impression on the board, you need to get out there and talk to people,” James exclaimed, throwing his arms up in exasperation. James’ disappointed tone caused Thomas to finally roll over, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Says the man who refuses to do public speaking,” Thomas commented.

James glared at him, shooting back, “I'm not the idiot who decided to run for president!”

James knew immediately he had let too much of his built up anger into that sentence. He'd intended it in a playful teasing way, like they used to do in high school. Instead, James realized he had practically shouted it, and Thomas’ noticeable flinch was enough for James to instantly regret it.

“I-I'm sorry…” James stuttered, backing away from Thomas.

“James… We talked about this,” the sadness in Thomas’ voice made James’ heart ache, “my candidacy isn't going to change anything. We can get through this.”

James nodded, looking down at the floor. Trying to lighten the mood, Thomas hopped off the bed and wrapped an arm around James’ shoulder.

“Look, if you really want me to get out there and talk to the board, there's a party going on at John Adams place next week. Why don't you come with me?”

As much as James wanted to decline, he felt that would be slightly hypocritical of him. Instead, James decided to point out,

“A meeting that public would mean we could show no affection. We'd both have to stay sober, and that's not really the point of a party.”

Thomas frowned at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “James, it's a party. It's not like anyone will be paying attention to us.”

Thomas had wrapped his arms around James’ waist, and James was beginning to have a hard time breathing. The hot breath on James’ neck was not helping, and he had to double check to make sure his heart was still beating. Clearing his thoughts, James finally managed to choke out,

“I'll only go if you stay sober.” James could feel Thomas smirk against his skin, and he somehow knew that was a promise neither of them would be keeping.

************* *************

As much as James dreaded going to the party, he had to admit that he was glad to see Thomas so excited about something. Practically buzzing, Thomas was racing around the house preparing.

“You do know Hamilton will probably be at this party right?” James asked, waiting at the doorway.

“Of course I do. I'll probably hate most of the people there,” Thomas explained. James blinked in confusion, tilting his head to the side.

With a smile, Thomas continued, “but you'll still be there, and it's pretty hard to hate you.”

James could feel a small blush creeping up his face, but he just shrugged it off. There can't be anything like that tonight, he reminded himself, opening the door for Thomas to exit. Thomas obliged, and James followed after him much more reluctantly.

The large house was already packed with people, and James nervously fidgeted with his sleeve. “I thought you said this would just be for members of the company.”

Thomas shrugged, pulling James towards the crowded building. James had thought Thomas’ house was unnecessarily big, but John Adams really took the cake there. The house was massive, at least three stories tall, with a large garden and yard covered in perfectly taken care of plant life. Spring had only just started, but the plants here looked like they'd never been through a single winter. The house’s size just made James anxiety build, wondering just how many more people were in there. However reluctant he was, Thomas’ grip on his arm was firm as he dragged James around. Several people James didn't recognize shouted in greeting, and James awkwardly waved back. Finally stopping in the living room, James surveyed the guests he knew. Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens were there, with John practically sitting in Alex’s lap. James could tell they'd already had too much to drink.

“I swear to god, if you guys start making out over there, I will personally kick your asses outside!” Someone shouted at the two lovebirds. James recognized Hercules, and silently prayed that's not how the night would go.

“Oh mon cher, let them let them have their fun oui?” Lafayette muttered from across the room. The French man was leaning against the wall, red cup of god knows what in his hand. James noticed Thomas already scowling at Alexander, a twinge of what? Jealousy? Crossed his features. Someone finally noticed their presence in the room, and a flurry of questions were thrown Thomas’ way.

“Why did you decide to run?”

“Where have you been all week?”

“Do you think you can beat John Adams?”

“Has James been living with you?”

The last question was asked by Hamilton, a knowing smirk on his face. For now, Thomas decided to ignore it, instead focusing on answering the other questions as smoothly and calmly as he had practiced. James has always marvelled at Thomas’ ability to talk to people. He wasn't always the nicest person, and he could have quite a temper (especially when Alexander Hamilton was involved), but he could also be a very persuasive person. Backing away from the crowd of people now surrounding Thomas, James decided to take refuge in the corner. This worked for a little while, that is until a familiar voice called his name. Trying to avoid looking too disappointed, he turned to greet the person.

“Really James? Thomas? Of all people?” Angelica Schuyler asked, swirling a cup of what James assumed was something alcoholic in her hand.

James shrugged, trying to avoid eye contact. Angelica had always been one of the most intimidating people James had ever met, and he really didn't like talking to her without Thomas to back him up.

“I don't know what you mean,” James finally answered, miraculously managing to keep his voice from shaking.

“Maybe you'll figure it out after you've had a couple of drinks.”

James wanted to explain that he didn't plan on drinking tonight, but Angelica had already walked off. Leaning back against the wall, James knew that the longer the night went on, the harder it would be to resist getting completely drunk.

************* *************

“Jamessssss! Charles Lee is a fucking asshole,” Thomas slurred, spinning James in a circle. “I can’t believe I was ever friends with him.”

James glared at his drunk companion. He had no idea who Charles Lee was, and he wasn't planning on finding out. He'd obviously been expecting this, but not this soon in the evening.

“Thomas, we've been here for an hour. How are you this drunk?”

Thomas giggled, and under normal circumstances, James would have found it adorable, but now he was just irritated.

“Aww James… You think so little of me.” Thomas hiccuped, swaying slightly on his feet. Reaching out a hand to steady him, James cringed at the strong stench of alcohol.

“I'm totally not drunk,” Thomas insisted, shoving James away. This action caused him to stumble again, and burst into another fit of giggles. James was appalled. Not only had Thomas broken their promise, he had drank so much that he was already a giant mess. Sighing, James rested a hand on Thomas’ shoulder, steering him away from the crowds of people and into the empty kitchen. Thomas continued to stare blankly around, occasionally laughing and pressing his face into James. James knew this would happen. Thomas had absolutely no self control when he was drunk, and they were going to be discovered. He knew it. Sitting down at the table, James buried his face in his hands, trying to think of a way to discreetly drag home the very intoxicated Thomas Jefferson. Someone tapped the top of James’ head, forcing him to look up. Above him stood Thomas, holding out a small glass of what James assumed to be vodka or something. Motioning the cup at James, Thomas put on his most convincing smile. _Fuck it_ ,James thought, snatching the glass.

James didn't drink often. He really didn't see the point of it. If he wanted to forget something for a little while or ignore the world, he would just work. What was the point in getting drunk with a bunch of other people? James now regretted not doing this sooner. He'd barely drank anything before his mind starting to go fuzzy and his words slurred. That night, James did things he never would have dreamed of doing without the addition of alcohol. He played games, danced, shouted, he didn't even think about what he was saying and doing or what people would think of it. All his anxiety just melted away, and James loved it.

After a couple of hours, James found himself once again alone with Thomas while he was refilling his drink in the kitchen. Thomas was leaning against the counter, not any less drunk than before. Grinning, Thomas grabbed James by the waist and pulled him over, holding him still.

“ _Oh Mr. Madison,_ " Thomas fawned, his southern accent creeping into his voice. Both James and Thomas usually kept their accents in check for professional reasons, but hearing Thomas say his name like that made James shiver. He tried to say something in response, but no words came. James found himself once again lost in Thomas’ eyes, marvelling at the beauty of their dark colour. Memorized every inch of Thomas’ face, James once again felt the urge to kiss him. James wanted to kiss his face, his neck, run his hands down his back. He wanted to hug Thomas and never let go, to wake up next to him every morning and tell him he loved him. James feared that in this intoxicated state, he would kiss Thomas. He would kiss Thomas again and again and everyone would see and Thomas’ life would be ruined. If James kissed Thomas, Thomas would lose everything, and would hate James. James didn't want that. Even drunk, James knew he could never live knowing Thomas hated him. Thomas likes to kiss when he's drunk. The warning someone had given him returned to his mind. He couldn't remember who said it, but he knew that it might just happen. Thomas had pulled him in as close as he physically could, lidded eyes full of need and want. What if Thomas kissed James? Would James return it? James shook his head, half-heartedly trying to push away from Thomas. It didn't matter who started it, if they kissed here, the result would be the same. The end of Thomas’ career, and the end of their relationship.

A hand covered James’ mouth, and James looked up in confusion. Thomas’ eyes were filled with sadness, and for the first time all night they were focused. Focused on James, and everything about James he wanted, but couldn't have. He'd covered James’ mouth for a very specific reason. He may not be able to have what he wanted, but he sure as hell would get something close to it. He pressed his lips to the back of his hand, right where he knew James’ mouth would have been. James eyes widened in surprise, and he had to hold back his gasp. Thomas pulled away from James, a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment swirled in his eyes.

“You have too little faith in me,” Thomas whispered, dropping his hand from James’ mouth. James stared, complete and utter shock freezing him in place. His entire body tingled, and James felt like he might explode. Thomas’ lips hadn't even touched his, but James felt as if they'd just kissed. Still vibrating with excitement and nerves, James barely even heard the call for everyone to come into the living room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have more of this self-indulgent mess (I also had to update some of the tags so) 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Alright guys! We're gonna play a game.” A girl James had never seen before was standing in the middle of the living room, trying her best not to fall over. She was wearing a nice yellow shirt and dark jeans, and James knew there was something about her he recognized.

“This game is called Pocky, and if you're not willing to be super gay, I suggest you leave now.” Several people around the room grimaced, one of those people being John Adams, and James saw them cast disgusted glances at Alexander and John. Sighing, James couldn't believe he worked with people like that.

“Who's that girl?” He asked Thomas, finding him in the crowd.

Thomas glanced down at him, and James had a hard time ignoring the height difference between them. “Her name’s Peggy, she's Angelica and Eliza's younger sister. You would like her Jemmy.”

James nodded, ignoring the nickname and returning his attention to the girl. James didn't know exactly what the “Pocky game” was, but he saw several people exchange knowing looks.

“I bet a lot of you are wondering what the Pocky game is,” Peggy continued, pulling out a box of something from her pocket.

“Pocky is a kind of treat, that's basically a stick with chocolate on the end.” She pulled out a stick from the box to demonstrate, “and then you and your partner put different ends in your mouths, until you either kiss, or one of you back out.” Peggy grinned maniacally, surveying the room.

“My sister and I will be assigning the pairs.”

James swallowed nervously, he noticed Angelica walk up to the Peggy and whisper something in her ear. His anxiety only increased when he saw the two women look in his direction and laugh to themselves. They cast a look between Thomas and him, and James knew exactly where this was going. They'd already had a close call at this party, they did not need to kiss in a _very_ public setting in front of all their coworkers.

James tugged at Thomas’ sleeve, trying to get his attention. Thomas complied, lowering his head so James could whisper, “I really don't think this is a good idea.”

Thomas laughed quietly, and James knew he would not be getting his way. They were both too drunk. The only argument Thomas needed was his cocky I-know-everything smile, and James was reluctantly following him to the centre of the room.

“Ah! We have candidates!” Peggy exclaimed, wiggling her eyebrows. James knew he would regret everything in the morning, but right now the combination of alcohol in his system and the joyful look in Thomas’ eyes made him feel like he could do anything. Thomas grabbed the Pocky stick a little too enthusiastically, and led James to the table at the side of the room. Sitting down on the opposite side of Thomas, James looked uncertainly around the room. Thomas tapped James’ arm, drawing his attention back. Thomas gave James his most confident smile, but James still seemed unsure.

“Have more faith in me James,” Thomas whispered, leaning across the table. The proximity still made James’ heart race, and he was having a hard time forming coherent thoughts. James was beginning to panic, fearing what he might do in this state. Thomas placed one end of the Pocky stick in his mouth, leaving James the chocolate end. Trying to ignore the tingling sensation at having his face this close to Thomas’, James closed his eyes and took a bite. Grabbing it in his teeth again before it could fall, James tentatively opened his eyes again. He was greeted by Thomas’ face only a few centimetres away from his. Thomas had clearly taken a bigger bite than James, and had definitely moved his head closer than necessary. James got an amazing view of Thomas’ eyes, and James immediately went to work memorised every little detail. They were not as dark as most people saw from far away, and there was an almost hazel ring around his pupil. There were even tiny specks of grey and brown, and James fell even more in love with those eyes than ever before. Those eyes held a warmth that Thomas conserved only for James, and James’ heart soared at the thought that he was the only person this man cared about this way. Only James got to see this side of Thomas, and as the distance between them closed, for a split second, James might have been okay with closing it completely, pressing their lips together and never letting go. And he would have done it. He would have done it if Thomas hadn't bit the end of the Pocky off, separating them. A disappointed groan echoed through the crowd, and Thomas gave James a sad look. Blinking, James smiled back gratefully. He couldn't believe what he had almost done.

************* *************

The morning after the party was one the worst ones in James’ history. He hadn't had a hangover like this since the day after Thomas had left. Groaning, James rolled over in the bed. They'd somehow managed to call a taxi last night, and both of them had collapsed into bed. Every part of James felt gross, and he was too exhausted to even notice the empty space next to him.

After he'd grabbed some ibuprofen, James started a pot of coffee and waited for the medicine to kick in. As he came back to his senses, James finally noticed the absence in the house. Sighing, James was very grateful he could hold down his alcohol. They didn't need two people throwing up this morning. Chugging his coffee, James reluctantly got to his feet and headed to the bathroom.

He already knew what awaited him, but it still didn't prepare James for just how _pathetic_ Thomas looked. He was laying on the floor, his tall form curled into as tight a ball as physically possible. Seeming to finally notice him, Thomas stirred, shifting slightly so he could face James. His face was pale and coated in sweat, and besides his messy appearance, he still managed a weak smile.

“Never let me drink again,” he muttered. James chuckled, gently helping Thomas into a sitting position on the floor.

“How long have you been like this?” James asked, running small circles on the sick mans back.

Thomas shrugged, “I don't know, an hour, maybe two? I kinda lost track.”

James nodded, glad Thomas hadn't been here all night like James had previously assumed.

“I threw up a bunch of times though. I think my body eventually just ran out of energy.”

“I thought we'd agreed to stay sober,” James pointed out, wetting a cloth and gently wiping Thomas’ face off. Thomas simply shrugged in response, and James stood.

“Where are you going?” Thomas asked, doing a very bad job of hiding his desperation. James ran his hands through Thomas’ hair soothingly.

“I'm just going to get you some water.” Thomas nodded, reluctantly letting go of James’ hand. Shortly after, James returned with a small glass of water. He sat next to Thomas, who immediately slumped against him, and gently helped him drink. For now, they had to go slow to make sure Thomas didn't throw up again. Stroking Thomas’ head gently, James sat in silence, watching as the colour slowly returned to Thomas’ face.

“Come on, let's get you out of those filthy clothes,” James muttered, lifting Thomas to his feet. Thomas leaned against James gratefully as they stumbled back to the room.

************* *************

“Are we ever gonna talk about what happened?” Thomas asked innocently, fiddling with his spoon. James almost choked on his soup. Coughing, James recomposed himself.

“I don't know what you mean.” James muttered, ducking his head. Thomas smirked, leaning across the table.

“You were totally gonna kiss me.” He grinned, lifting James’ head so he could meet his eyes. James’ face turned red, and he tried to pull away, but Thomas held him in place.

“No, I wasn't,” James insisted, not making eye contact. Thomas smirked, tilting his head to the side. James’ heart pounded, and he wanted more than anything to bury his head in his hands and hide. However, Thomas’ grip on his chin kept him from doing so.

“Fine, I'll believe you,” Thomas shrugged, leaning closer, “But would you do it right now?”

James had no idea. He'd been so willing to do it before, even though it was public, but now his brain seemed to be malfunctioning. Every part of him buzzed at the thought of pressing his lips to Thomas’, pulling him as close as possible and never letting go. But another part of him wondered, what would the consequences be? He would fall even harder for Thomas, and would have an even harder time saying goodbye. However, Thomas seemed to be too impatient for James’ answer, and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. Despite this being physically impossible, James would have sworn sparks flew. The contact only lasted for a brief second, and could barely be called a proper kiss, but James still found himself longing for more. He had to fight back a whine when Thomas pulled away, and Thomas’ devilish grin made his heart flutter.

“That'll have to suffice,” Thomas muttered, getting up from the kitchen table. James stared after him, at a loss for words. Right before Thomas left the room, he turned and blew James a kiss, quietly laughing to himself.

“Fucking tease,” James muttered, debating whether or not he should flip the other man off.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ALMOST FORGOT TO UPDATE IM SO SORRY

“Care to explain why I need to get a custom suit?” James asked, sitting across from Thomas in the, very unnecessary, limo Thomas had rented.

“Because, if I win the election, which I know I will, I need my closest compatriot by my side,” Thomas explained, making it seem like it should have been obvious.

“That doesn't explain why I can't just wear the suit I have at home.”

Thomas shook his head in utter disbelief. “James, the world needs to see you looking as beautiful as I always see you.”

James stared at him, disbelief clouding his features.

“So, you need someone to match your own marvellous physique?” James stated, crossing his arms over his chest. Thomas covered his mouth in mock surprise.

“Did James Madison just call me attractive?” Thomas threw his arms in the air, a grin prominent on his face. “Praise the lord!”

James gave him a gentle shove, unable to hide the smile spreading across his face.

Once Thomas had stopped being dramatic, James couldn't help but add, “Or maybe it's just so you can see me practically naked.”

Thomas smirked at him, humming.

“Yes, that's definitely a bonus.”

************* *************

As Thomas led him into the tailors office, James couldn't help but wonder what exactly Thomas had in mind for him. Far too eagerly, Thomas started talking about ideas.

“I was thinking you should do something simple, but flashier than you would normally wear. Maybe we could have a matching colour scheme?”

James snorted, trying to picture himself in some bright purple suit, sparkling gold jewels glittering across its surface. The thought was so preposterous, James almost started laughing at just the idea of it. Thomas looked over at him, slowing his persistent pace.

“What? I'm serious.”

Covering his mouth to hide his laughter, James nodded. Thomas pouted, nudging James’ side gently.

“Do you think it's a bad idea?” Thomas asked, slight hurt in his voice.

Carefully recomposing himself, James explained, “I think the idea of me wearing any shade of purple is simply ridiculous.”

Thomas seemed genuinely surprised by this statement, and crossed his arms angrily. “How do you know I wanted you to wear purple? Maybe I'm not even wearing purple.”

James raised an eyebrow, and Thomas threw his arms up in defeat.

“Fine! Don't wear purple!” He exclaimed slightly too loudly, causing several people in the store to look at them.

James smiled slightly, placing a hand on Thomas’ shoulder and guiding him to the fitting room.

************* *************

Feeling awkward under Thomas’ intense gaze, James slowly started unbuttoning his shirt.

“Do you mind?” James asked, covering his chest uncomfortably.

“Mm. Not at all.” Thomas answered, seemingly in a daze. His eyes were gazing intently at James, sliding in and out of focus. James dared not think of the images flashing in and out of the other man's mind. Fighting back a shudder, James turned away from Thomas, fully undoing his shirt and sliding it off his shoulders.

“Can I help?” Thomas asked, getting up from his chair at the other side of the room. James felt Thomas’ delicate fingers slide over his back, gently pulling his shirt off the rest of the way. Face flushing red, James knew there was no way he would be able to turn around. Seeing Thomas’ eyes, which James knew were lidded with lust and want, would only make him lose any self control. He may not have the same feelings, but he'd be willing to do anything to please Thomas. As the hands slowly slid down James’ waist, it took all of James’ willpower to stop them. Grabbing them in his own, James whispered, “Not here,” and took a step away from Thomas. James already missed the feeling of Thomas’ warm hands on his skin, and he wanted so badly to return to the feeling, but he knew he couldn't. The more he got from Thomas, the more he would miss later. Luckily, Thomas noticed James’ change of attitude, and quickly backed off to give James space.

“Do you mind if I stay?” Thomas asked uncertainly, moving to return to his previous seat.

James shook his head, and smiling reassuringly, muttered, “It's fine. I kind of enjoy it.”

James didn't enjoy it in the way most people would. There was no trace of the feeling almost anyone would have during the situation. James was flustered sure, but that was only because of who he was with. James’ attraction to Thomas had been something James had never experienced before, but it wasn't in the physical sense. James greatly appreciated how attractive Thomas was, of course, but his attraction came from something else. Something about the way Thomas did things. The way he walked and spoke like the was the best person on the planet, and yet he showed James a side of him no one else saw. The Thomas behind that confident mask. Thomas knew exactly how to make James laugh, which was never an easy feat for most people, but Thomas accomplished it easily. James felt comfortable around Thomas, in a way he'd never felt around anyone else before. But the thing that James needed the most about Thomas, was how he stared at James like he was the centre of the universe. James had always been self-conscious of everything he did, but he could see in Thomas’ eyes that he was perfect. They say someone's eyes never lied, and James had learnt this was especially true for Thomas. Thomas was typically over dramatic and manipulative, but if you knew him well enough, you could see everything in his eyes. The thing James enjoyed most about Thomas watching him was how even though James couldn't see his face, James could feel all of the love and positivity pressed into Thomas’ gaze. Nothing about it was negative, and James couldn't help but relish in the feeling it brought. It wasn't quite happiness, more just a feeling of contentment. He was content.

************* *************

It took several hours of looking at different colour combinations and styles for James and Thomas to finally narrow the choice down to just three.

“You should at least have some purple,” Thomas kept insisting, leaning on James’ shoulder, “It doesn’t have to be the same shade as mine.”

“I’ve seen yours,” James responded, shaking his head at yet another over the top bedazzled suit shown to him. “I’d never dream of wearing anything even close to that shade.”

James heard Thomas laugh quietly. “Yeah, you would look pretty ridiculous in that colour.”

The three Thomas and James had finally agreed on were all nice and simple, in three different colours. One was a classic black suit, which Thomas said was boring, there was a dark blue suit with black and silver highlights along the collar and cufflinks, and a light grey waistcoat with a gold outline down the collar and lapel. Thomas insisted they wear at least matching undershirts, and of course Thomas had insisted on the ones with the ruffles. James thought they were ridiculously old fashioned, but Thomas insisted they would look great.

Eventually James picked the grey suit, much to Thomas’ disapproval.

“ _Really_ James,” Thomas whined as they walked back to the car, “ _grey_? Everything you wear is grey!”

James shrugged. “Maybe that’s because I look good in it.”

“You look good in everything,” Thomas stated with a grin. Once into the safety of the car, Thomas quickly pressed a kiss to James’ cheek, causing James to blush.

“Stop that,” he mumbled, ducking his head.

“But I like it when you’re flustered,” Thomas whispered, lifting James’ head so their eyes met. This really didn't help with anything, but James tried to just play it off. He gave Thomas a gentle shove, pushing him away.

“Just drive Thomas,” he muttered, trying to keep his tone lighthearted. He apparently didn't do a very good job of that, as Thomas gave him a concerned look.

“Ok,” he said finally, starting the car.

James sighed and stared out the window. Why did he have to ruin everything with his ridiculous fears and worries? He was trying to be happy, he really was, but a part of him couldn't let go of the fact that this could ruin Thomas’ life. Right now, James just wanted to go home, his new home, with Thomas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so to provide some context for this; James is asexual, but since he's never actually been attracted to someone (coughs Thomas coughs) he's not necessarily opposed to the idea of sex


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so like,,,, this chapter is kinda short and I'm sorry,,,,, and I don't actually have anything written yet after this so,,,, But don't worry! I promise I'll try and finish this up! (updates are probably gonna slow down tho...) 
> 
> Anyways enjoy!

The next week was surprisingly calm for James. There wasn’t really much more work to do, and now it was just a waiting game. The announcement would be made at 6 o’clock Saturday night, and anxiety prickled at James the entire week beforehand. The lack of work left him free with his thoughts, and as much as he tried to distract himself, they were always at the back of his mind. The result of this election would greatly affect James and Thomas’ life, in what James considered to be both negative ways. On one hand, if Thomas won, James would be happy, of course, but that could mean many bad things for their relationship, while on the other hand, James knew that if Thomas lost, he would probably be depressed for weeks, maybe even months, and James wasn’t sure he would be enough for Thomas anymore. James sighed, rolling over in the bed. He looked up to check the time. 3 am Saturday morning. Burying his head in the blankets, James wished for sleep. He needed to look good for tomorrow, it was an important day. An important day for many different reasons. James blinked. When had he started crying? Quickly wiping the tears away, James slowly got out of bed, praying he didn’t wake Thomas. Luckily, Thomas didn’t stir, and James stared at his sleeping form. He looked so innocent while he slept, and James could almost see through the constant dramatic shield Thomas put up. James wanted to be the only person to ever see Thomas like this, and his heart clenched at the thought of someone else laying here, in Thomas’ bed. Reaching a hand down, James gently ran a hand down the side of Thomas’ face, memorising every detail of it. He may never see this face again. The tears started falling harder, and James let them. There was no one around to see after all. James smiled painfully, leaning his over to Thomas. He pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, barely touching them, before slowly pulling away. _No one is around to see._

When James returned to the bed, he noticed Thomas was awake. He smiled slightly, trying to see Thomas’ face in the barely lit room.

“Why are you awake?” Thomas’ tone was worried, and James knew he shouldn’t have gotten out of bed.

“Sorry for waking you, I couldn’t sleep.”

“Worried?”

James nodded, crawling back under the covers next to Thomas. Thomas wrapped a reassuring arm around James, and James relaxed slightly.

“Me too,” Thomas whispered, pulling James closer to his chest.

“About?” James asked, closing his eyes.

“The election,” Thomas paused, “and you.”  
  
  
“Me? What about me?” James opened his eyes again, rolling over so he could look into Thomas’ eyes. They were sad, but there was a small twinkle of hope left in them, and James felt his heart twist at the idea he had been the cause of that sadness. He was desperate to get rid of it forever, but he knew there was no way he would be the one to do that.

Thomas seemed unsure of what to say, and there were several seconds of silence before he finally spoke, “I’m worried the results may effect your actions.”

James didn’t think his heart to take much more abuse, and he placed a hand gently on Thomas’ face. His eyes were now glittering with tears, and James wished he hadn’t been the cause of them. But he knew he had been. James carefully wiped the tears away from under Thomas’ eyes, and tried to smile. Everything about this felt like a lie, and James felt disgusted at himself, but tomorrow was supposed to be a good day for Thomas. He didn’t need James’ burdens and worries.

“There is nothing for you to worry about Thomas, leave that to me.”

Thomas smiled and blinked away his tears. “Oh James… There is nothing you should have to do alone.” Thomas said it with such certainty that James desperately wanted to believe it, but he couldn’t. He had gone through so much of his life alone, why should that change now? _Because you have Thomas_ , a voice in his head whispered, and James could feel tears welling up in his eyes again. _I have Thomas._

************* *************

As per usual, Thomas had woken up before James, and James woke to an empty bed. He had a split second of panic that it had all been a dream, that he was still at home, before he recognise the purple bedding and massive piles of pillows. James sighed in relief, until he remembered what day it was. Anxiety swelled in his chest, and he felt like he might throw up. No. This was a day he couldn’t get sick. He had to be there for Thomas. At least for now.

The ceremony didn’t start for another three hours, but James still got ready as quickly as he could and rushed into the kitchen to greet a smiling Thomas. He had apparently gotten over the events of the previous night, and James was grateful. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Thomas was miserable today. Thomas hugged him, and James had to remind him to be careful not to wrinkle the suit.

“Of course, of course,” Thomas muttered, pulling away from James slightly. His happy grin was almost contagious, and James felt most of his anxiety evaporating like mist. Thomas was the exact opposite of James, he was a relatively optimistic and naive person, and he was never afraid to voice his opinion. James loved that about him, and knew it would be one of the things he missed most.

“What have you made for breakfast?” James asked, unravelling Thomas’ arms from around his waist.

“Mm. Glad you asked,” Thomas hummed, skipping into the kitchen. James smiled, following him much less eagerly.

“Aw Thomas, really?” James asked, looking at the plate in front of him. It was waffles, made exactly the same way as the first breakfast James had eaten here. “How did you remember everything?”

“How could I forget? You were so hungry that morning, it was so cute. You ate like you’d never eaten before.” Thomas explained, looking pleased with himself. James smiled, reaching up to press a kiss to his cheek, not failing to notice the blush that formed on Thomas’ face at the contact.

“A-Anyway…” Thomas stammered, going to sit in his own chair. “The ceremony is in an hour and a half, what should we do?”

“Go over your acceptance speech maybe?” James suggested, digging into his waffles.

Thomas groaned, leaning back in his chair. “Really James? I was just going to wing it.”

“You know that won’t work, you’ll get too nervous to come up with anything.”

“I don’t get nervous!” Thomas retorted indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest.

James pointed a fork at him. “Not when you’re reading a speech no, but coming up with something on the spot? Not gonna happen.”

Thomas opened his mouth to respond, but quickly shut it again. James smirked.

“So, what are we going to do?”

James stood up from the table and placed his dishes in the sink. “Well, _you_ are going to write a speech, I might go read a book or something,” he explained, turning to leave the kitchen.

“Jaaammmesss,” Thomas whined, covering his face in his hands, “You’re so mean to me.”

“No I’m not,” James shot back over his shoulder, before the closing the bedroom door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for my not-so-subtle foreshadowing ;0


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH IM SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO TAKE THIS LONG TO UPDATE I JUST GOT BUSY AND GOT DISTRACTED BY OTHER THINGS AHHHH
> 
> Anyway, the election results are in and there is angst. (there is some slight homophobia in this btw)
> 
> Enjoy!

Right before they stepped out of the car, James quickly pressed a kiss to Thomas’ cheek. “Good luck,” he whispered, flashing Thomas as confident a smile he could muster. Thomas smiled back, no trace of his previous anxiety. He had always been a confident person, and James slightly envied him at times. Completely confident he was going to win this election, Thomas had no worries as he walked through the crowd to the office building. Washington had decided they would hold the ceremony in the company building itself, it had a huge party room that often went unused after all.

Thomas gave John Adams a curt nod as he and James walked past, while James completely ignored his existence. However, out of the corner of his eye, James did notice Adams’ disapproving glare. He couldn’t know could he? James felt slight panic rising in his chest, and he felt Thomas rest a delicate hand on his shoulder.

“You ok?” He asked, and James nodded quickly. Nobody knew. Everything was fine. Despite his flimsy attempt at reassurance, Thomas still nodded and grabbed James wrist, leading him to the front row of chairs. A makeshift stage had been set up in the large room, with a podium and microphone already waiting. Not many people were here yet, and James fidgeted nervously in the seat, waiting for the room to fill slowly.

To be honest, James would like to say he’d actually paid attention, but that would be an outright lie. It wasn’t his fault, he had honestly tried, it’s just his head had been so overwhelmed with thoughts that he just couldn’t _concentrate_. Washington had given what James assumed was a heartwarming speech about how sad he was to leave but how proud he was of the two men who might be taking his place and their accomplishments. At some point, Thomas had rested his hand delicately on James’, but whether or not it was to comfort himself or Thomas, James couldn’t tell. This brought him back to reality slightly, and he managed to pay attention to the rest of Washington’s speech. It was exactly what James had been expecting. Suddenly, someone handed Washington an envelope from backstage, and James felt Thomas’ hand stiffen. _This is it, this is the moment that will decide my future_ , James thought to himself, wanting to pull away from Thomas but finding himself unable to. _Don’t ruin this for him._

The entire crowd seemed to stop breathing as the envelope was slowly ripped open, and a piece of paper removed from it. “The vote was almost half and half, but…” Washington paused dramatically, looking around the crowd, “the council of our company has decided, with much difficulty…”

“He’s stalling like this on purpose,” James muttered, just loud enough for Thomas to hear. This got a nervous laugh from Thomas, and James quickly gripped his hand tightly before letting it go. This seemed to work, as Thomas took a deep breath, lifting his head confidently. A small grin appeared on his face, and James could have kissed him right there. But he didn’t.

“That the next president of this company will be,” everything went silent, “Thomas Jefferson.” Almost afraid that Thomas would jump up and run onstage in his excitement, James placed a slightly forceful hand on his shoulder.

“Calm down Thomas,” he whispered, “You’re supposed to be humble about this, remember?” Relieved when he saw Thomas nod, James pulled his hand away and started to lean back in his seat, when a firm hand grabbed his and started dragging him away.

“Thomas what the hell?!” James shouted as quietly as he could, but Thomas only smiled and continued to pull him forward. Glancing around self consciously at everyone who was now watching him, James quickly stood up straighter and fixed his suit. After a quick smile and handshake were exchanged with Washington, Thomas took up his position at the podium. It was than James realized that he still hadn’t let go of Thomas’ hand, and pulled it away quickly, gaze flitting nervously around the room, wondering if anyone had noticed. Luckily, all attention seemed to be on Thomas at the moment, so James was able to quietly quell his anxiety without having to worry about people’s judgements.

“This is an amazing honour, and one that I do not take lightly. The responsibilities of this job are immense, and I intend to fulfil them to the best of my abilities. I promise-” Thomas’ voice as he gave his speech slowly faded away, and James was left with nothing but the silent blackness of his own mind. Except it wasn’t silent for long. Thoughts raced through his head of all the things that people could use against Thomas. The vote had been almost a tie, it wouldn’t been hard for John Adams to call for a recount. He could easily come up with some reason why Thomas wasn’t a good fit for being the face of the company, and James swallowed. He knew what Adams would use. He could see it clearly, Adams preparing an entire speech for the board about how someone who was so clearly in a relationship with a coworker wouldn’t send the right message. Especially, when that coworker was of _the same gender. Society had progressed, sure_ , James could picture Adams saying, _but that doesn’t mean it would be appropriate for someone so…. open about his feelings. Anyway, it would be hard for everyone to accept it, and it could lead to bad publicity. If we want the company to flourish, we have to please everyone_. It really wouldn’t be hard to prove that James and Thomas were in a relationship. Many would be unbelieving at first, but Adams could convince them. They already practically lived in the same house, and everyone had just seen the hand holding. Sure, they could blame the party thing on just being drunk, but Adams would surely find a way, even if he had to make something up. James felt like he was going to throw up, and he just wanted off this goddamn stage. But Thomas was still talking, and as James looked across the room, he could see Adams angry stare focused directly on Thomas, before it flicked over to James suddenly and a wicked grin spread across his face. _I just need proof_ , his eyes said, and James fought the urge to run straight out of the building.

Suddenly, the sound of his name pulled him out of his thoughts. “...and I would like to thank my dear friend James Madison, I never would have done this without him,” Thomas was saying, and when had he started looking at James? There was so much love in his gaze that James felt like he might explode from all of the guilt building up inside him. “I don’t care about anyone in the world more than James,” Thomas continued, and James wanted to scream at him to stop, “and there’s no one I’d rather have as my friend.” He’d hesitated at the word ‘friend’, and James was very convinced that he might throw up right there. Wrapping his arm around James’ shoulder, Thomas grinned happily, and James knew he should smile as well. All of a sudden. Thomas had pressed his lips to James’ cheek, and James heard the crowd cheer. James swore he saw several camera flashes, and as Thomas slyly pulled away, James felt his cheeks growing a deep red. He grabbed Thomas’ wrist quickly, pulling him off the stage. As he did so, Thomas waved at the crowd, flashing one of his trademark cocky grins at John Adams as they went by. However, James didn’t fail to notice the twinkle of victory in Adams’ eye, and a wave of dread flooded over him.

“What was that?!” James shouted, flipping around once they were in the safety of Thomas’ office. Slamming the door shut, he shoved a very confused looking Thomas at the wall.

“Ow!” Thomas complained, rubbing at the back of his head, “I thought you’d be pleased! What did I do wrong?”

James couldn’t tell what he was most angry at. Himself, Thomas’ obliviousness, or John Adams. For now, James decided to be mad at Thomas. “How could you do that?! In front of everyone!” James hissed, having a very difficult time keeping his voice down, “You could have just ruined this!”

Realisation suddenly dawned on Thomas’ face, and James relaxed slightly. However, that realisation quickly turned to fury, and Thomas had suddenly grabbed James’ collar, pulling him close to his face. All of James’ anger quickly turned to fear, fear because Thomas was much bigger than him, and fear because he’d never seen such intense emotion. Thomas’ eyes burned with a mixture of feelings; sadness, rage, and, most strongly… betrayal. “Really James?! After everything I’ve done for you, you still can’t trust me enough to keep this going?!” Thomas wasn’t shouting, but he might as well have been considering the force behind his words, “I thought I’d finally convinced you! What I did back there was merely proof! Everyone cheered James! How do you not understand that?!”

“Not everyone…” James muttered bitterly, casting his gaze at the ground.

“They don’t matter James. I… I thought I’d finally convinced you that you could love me…” Thomas’ voice grew weaker, and his entire being seemed to deflate. He released his grip on James, taking a step away from the shorter man. _This is it_ , James thought once more, _he’s already mad at me. I could just end it now, and there wouldn’t be a problem…_ He could do it. It would break both his and Thomas’ hearts, but he knew Thomas would get over it. There be nothing to prove anymore, and Thomas could become as successful as he’d always wanted to be.

“I… I can’t…” James muttered, wrapping his arms around Thomas, squeezing so hard he was afraid he might hurt the other man, “I… can’t let you go…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this fanfic was heavily inspire by the song Love Love Love by Of Monsters and Men, which you can listen to here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beiPP_MGz6I


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This should be rated PG for pretty gay ;)
> 
> Enjoy!

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful, at least for James. There was an after party of sorts, but James decided not to go, and Thomas didn’t want to press him after the previous events. As a result, James had the house to himself, and as he always did when he was home alone, he sat with the lights off and did nothing but watch Netflix. Thomas would probably worry about him, but that was his problem. For now, James could just pretend that none of this had happened, and that he was still sitting in his apartment. Not in the mansion of someone who supposedly loved him. Although his house didn’t have all of these pillows, so the illusion was hard to keep up. Eventually, exhaustion one over, and although Thomas wasn’t home yet, James finally removed himself from the couch in the living room. Without bothering to get changed or anything, James pulled the covers around himself, trying to push away all the thoughts and emotions running through him so he could get some well-needed sleep.

Someone’s loud shouting woke James several hours later, and he groaned, pressing his head deeper into the pillow. The shouting grew more insistent the longer James hid, and frustratedly, James through the blankets off himself and ripped open the door.

The bright light outside blinded him momentarily, and James blinked rapidly to get rid of the spots in his vision. As it cleared, James saw the house was a mess. The living room had been torn apart by a frantic Thomas, who still hadn’t noticed James standing in the hallway. Thomas seemed terrified, and although James didn’t know what had caused this, he coughed awkwardly to alert the panicked man of his presence. Turning immediately, Thomas rushed over to James, wrapping his arms around the smaller man in a tight embrace.

“”Er, Thomas?” James asked, unsuccessfully trying to pry the man off him, “What happened?” Despite his minor fear at the state Thomas was in, James rubbed his back soothingly. Suddenly he noticed the strong smell of alcohol, and James worry quickly transformed into annoyance.

“I-I thought you had left…” Thomas whispered, and the anger dissipated slightly.

“Have you been drinking?” He asked carefully. It wasn’t surprising, Thomas had been at a party after all, but he was way drunker than he should have been after just a party. Pain pierced James heart as he realised this had been his fault. He shouldn’t have said what he did. He’d promised himself that he wouldn’t ruin this night for Thomas, and that’s exactly what he’d done.

Thomas nodded sadly, burying his face in the fabric of James shirt. Fighting the urge to sigh dramatically, James carefully lowered Thomas onto the messed up couch. Since Thomas didn’t seem to want to let go of him, James had to practically avoid sitting on the man as he lowered himself next to Thomas. Rackety sobs shook Thomas’ body, and even as James whispered soothing things and stroked his back, it still took Thomas several hours to calm down properly. “Do you want some water?” James asked as Thomas wails turned to quiet whimpers.

“Y-yes…” Thomas muttered almost discernibly, finally releasing his grip on James and sitting up. In the couple seconds that James was gone, Thomas had seemed to compose himself quite a bit, and when James returned, he was sitting up straight with his hands on his knees, the same adorable pout he always had when he was thinking. Placing the cup of water on the coffee table, James returned to his spot next to Thomas, who barely seemed to notice him.

“Sorry for drinking again,” Thomas said suddenly after several minutes of awkward silence. He grabbed the water from the table and took an experimental sip. “And sorry if I throw up again tomorrow.”

James chuckled slightly, not entirely sure if that last part was meant to be humourous. The look in Thomas’ eyes seemed far away, as if he wasn’t fully out of his thoughts yet. The tone in his voice was different too; almost cold. James knew there was something Thomas wasn’t telling him, and it terrified him. Had he fucked this up?

Reluctantly, James asked, “Was it… because of me?” when Thomas looked at him curiously, James continued in a rush, “The drinking I mean.”

Thomas sighed sadly, swishing the water around in the cup. “There are many reasons, and I’d be lying if I said you weren’t some of them.”

The fear in James’ chest increased, until it felt like some invisible snake was wrapped around his stomach. “Have I ruined this…?” he asked quietly, moving away from Thomas slightly.

As soon as the words escaped his mouth, Thomas had grabbed his arm in a tight grip, making James jump. “Don’t you dare give up on this now James,” Thomas practically snarled, a ferocity and anger in his eyes that James had never seen before. _Of course Thomas is angry with me_ , James thought to himself bitterly, _he has every right to be_. Preparing himself to take on the full brute force of Thomas’ rage, James closed his eyes and resisted the urge to hide his face with his arms. Instead however, something very different happened.

A delicate hand on his face caused James to slowly reopen his eyes, and he briefly wondered why there was no one shouting. All of the fire in Thomas’ eyes had been completely replaced by something far more delicate, and James couldn’t think of a name for it. It wasn’t quite pity or guilt, but it wasn’t sad in any way. It was an expression that James had never seen directed at him before, and his heartbeat involuntarily increased. “Oh Jemmy…” Thomas whispered, running his hand gently over the side of James’ face. As his gaze fell on James’ lips, the look in his eyes was replaced again by something else. There was still a trace of the delicateness of before, but there was a hunger that hadn’t been there earlier. Feeling his face heat up, thoughts ran through James’ head rapidly. He’d never kissed anyone before, what was he supposed to do? Was Thomas even going to kiss him?

The silence between them had grown thick, and James felt like it might suffocate him before Thomas quietly broke it. “Can I kiss you?” he asked, his voice filled with so much admiration and fear at once.

“I-I’ve never done it before,” James stammered as Thomas moved closer to him. His entire brain seemed to go into overdrive, barely able to form words or coherent thoughts as Thomas pressed him against the armrest of the couch.

“I’ll show you,” Thomas whispered, voice suddenly much more hoarse than before. Chills ran down James spine, and despite the panicked thoughts that were still running through his head, he nodded quickly. There was no going back now.

Pushing forward quickly, Thomas pressed their lips together, pinning James fully to the couch. Mind almost completely blank, James had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. One of Thomas’ hands ran through his hair, and another up his side, and James knew there was something that he should be doing.

With all his willpower, James managed to push Thomas back enough to talk. “What-what should I do with my hands?” he asked, panting. He’d never felt like this before, so completely unable to control any of his thoughts and feelings. Any contact Thomas’ hands made with his body sent sparks flying through his nerves, and for the first time, James wanted _more_. But first, he needed at least a vague understanding of what his role was.

Without saying a word, Thomas wrapped James arms around his neck, and James couldn’t resist the urge to run his fingers through the thick curls. He grabbed a fistful in his hand and tugged on them experimentally. Thomas gasped slightly, and James immediately let go. “No, no, that was good,” Thomas whispered, moving to press his mouth to James’ once again. This time, James felt Thomas’ tongue brush against his lips, and fighting back his surprise, opened his mouth slightly. This seemed to be what Thomas wanted, as his tongue slid fully into James’ mouth. Grunting in surprise at the sudden intrusion, James accidentally tugged at Thomas’ hair again. However, this only seemed to spur the other man on, and he gripped James waist tightly. Carefully, James focused on what Thomas was doing, and tried to replicate it as he slid his own tongue into Thomas’ mouth. It was a weird feeling, but not something James hated, although he'd never dream of doing this with anyone but Thomas. As James grew more confident, he began to move his hands down Thomas’ back and over his sides.

“You're doing good,” Thomas muttered, pulling away. To his shock, James whined slightly at the newfound absence. Although Thomas’ praise made his heart soar. Thomas ducked his head, tilting James’ head to the side slightly. Confusion rose in James’ mind for a second, although it quickly disappeared when a hot mouth covered a part of his neck. As Thomas sucked and kissed over his skin, James felt warm hands creeping up his stomach. A part of him knew they should stop, but it wasn't enough to beat out the absolute bliss that covered his mind in a thick cloud. There was nothing running through his head except for thoughts of how good Thomas’ mouth and hands felt on his skin. Thomas was making a trail down James neck, leaving red bruises in his wake. There was a particular spot just above James’ collarbone where Thomas bit, and James gasped in pleasure.

“Are you sure you're ok with this?” Thomas asked, panting. Right now, James had never been more sure in his life. He wanted Thomas.

“Yes,” he breathed, and a fire seemed to light in Thomas’ eyes, releasing all the hunger and desperation he’d been holding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will keep my promise that there will be no smut in this I swear


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years everyone! Hope 2017 treats you better than 2016, and once again SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE AND THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR AMAZING COMMENTS AND KUDOS
> 
> Enjoy!

The light streaming through the still-open curtains rudely awoke James the next morning, and as he blearily blinked his eyes, the previous night's events came rushing back to him, and his felt his face grow hot. Embarrassment flooded through him, and despite the fact that no one could see him, he buried his face in his hands and pressed his head into the pillow. A flurry of emotions rushed through him, and James couldn’t pick one to focus on. There was a lot of negative ones, like dread and fear, but in the end the positive ones won out. Unable to keep the grin off his face, James replayed the events of the previous night in his mind. So much had changed so quickly, and James was both excited and scared by that idea. He felt as if they’d reached some milestone in their relationship, and that backing out now would be breaking some sort of promise. Rolling over, James faced Thomas’ still sleeping form. James suddenly realised they were both naked, and the blush on his face deepened. God dammit, why did Thomas have to be so attractive?

After about an hour of simply laying in bed and staring at Thomas, James decided he should probably get up. Reluctantly, James through the covers off himself and got out of bed. Despite the fact that Thomas was asleep, James still felt self conscious being completely exposed like this. As he slid a shirt on, a sudden voice made him jump.

“Aw, the show just started,” Thomas muttered, and James glared back at him. Apparently, he’d suddenly woken up and was now lying diagonally across the bed, head resting on his hands as he smirked at James. Blush quickly returning, James turned away from Thomas immediately, pulling on the rest of his clothes as quickly as possible. All of a sudden, warm hands wrapped around his waist, and James couldn’t help but smile at the familiar touch. Thomas nuzzled his face into James’ neck, but James shoved him away.

“Get dressed you weirdo,” he snapped teasingly, and Thomas grinned.

“Do you really want me to?” Thomas whined, trying to wrap his arms around James again. Ducking away expertly, James opened the bedroom door.

Glancing back at Thomas, James stated simply, “I won’t make you breakfast if you don’t.”

Crossing his arms defeatedly, Thomas reluctantly grabbed a shirt from the dresser. With a triumphant smile, James exited the room and headed for the kitchen.

As James prepared breakfast, his thoughts once again drifted to last night. He tried to avoid thinking about how it might have only happened because Thomas had been kinda drunk at the time, and instead focused on the adoring look in Thomas’ eyes as he’d kissed him. Despite himself, a slight shiver ran down his spine at the memory of how _hungry_ Thomas had looked. Although it had easily been one of the best nights of James’ life, he was still wary of the possible repercussions. James didn’t know what Thomas’ thoughts on this were, but to James, it wasn’t something that should be taken lightly. They had something between them now, and everything was different. Despite his nerves, James knew he would have to talk to Thomas about what he thought. It wasn’t something they could avoid after all. There was something James knew he should say now, but those three words meant so much more than before. He knew Thomas would likely be disappointed, but James couldn’t bring himself to say it. After everything they’d been through, James couldn’t say the one thing he knew he was supposed to.

A kiss on his cheek brought James out of his thoughts, and he smiled happily. He didn’t need to worry about that right now.

“Good morning Jemmy,” Thomas whispered in his ear, and James noted how often Thomas had been using that nickname lately. Purposely ignoring Thomas, James flipped an egg over in the pan. This achieved the desired result as he felt Thomas pout against his skin, and a pair of strong arms wrapped around his waist once again.

“Jemmyyy,” Thomas whined, but James only hummed in response. Even though James couldn’t see Thomas’ face, he could practically feel the agitation coming off the other man. If there was one thing James had going for him, it was his strong willpower and patience. The latter being something Thomas lacked greatly.

The hands on his waist moved up slightly, skimming over James’ sides, and it took all of James’ concentration to not twitch. Thomas still had his face pressed into James’ neck, and James felt him smirk triumphantly. Suddenly, a sharp pain flashed through his neck, and James wheeled around to face the taller man, who jumped back immediately. James ran a hand over the spot on his neck and stared at Thomas in both anger and surprise.

“You _bit_ me!” James shouted, and Thomas seemed to be trying desperately to hold in his laughter.

Quickly composing himself, Thomas stated plainly, “You were ignoring me.”

The surprise and anger slowly evaporated, and James couldn’t help but smile at the way Thomas crossed his arms defiantly. He clearly thought the action had been justified. Rolling his eyes dramatically, James returned to setting the breakfast out on two plates, and once he’d finished that, carrying them over to the table where an eager Thomas was waiting.

“I don’t see why you deserve breakfast,” James muttered mock-angrily. Thomas simply grinned brightly at him as he sat down, and James rolled his eyes again. “You’re so immature.”

“I was pretty mature last night,” Thomas said with a wink, and James flicked a piece of food at him. Although he still felt a slight blush, and Thomas smiled at him innocently. _There’s nothing innocent about him_ , James thought suddenly, but he quickly pushed the images that followed that memory away.

************* *************

Hamilton was the last person James wanted to see today, but as he and Thomas walked into the office building, that’s exactly who blocked their path.

“Why hello, _Mr. President_ ,” Hamilton said, bowing slightly in a mock show of respect. While James elected to just ignore the other man, Thomas, as per usual, quickly snapped back a rebuttal.

“What, upset that you’ll no longer be favourited? Hate to break it to you, but I don’t plan on treating you like Washington did,” Thomas muttered, shoving past Hamilton and giving him a little wave.

Alexander, with his unstoppable need to have the last word, quickly shouted, “You may not favourite me, but I think there’s someone else who has your affections!”

James tried to ignore the obvious implications of that statement and just keep walking, but it took all he had to not turn around and defend himself. Not only that, but if James started insisting that he and Thomas were not in a relationship, he knew it would break Thomas’ heart. Despite knowing that all Thomas wanted was for James to accept their relationship and stop caring about what other people thought, James just couldn’t let it go. Especially now with Thomas as president, the risks were even greater, and James knew that if there were any signs of a romantic interest, John Adams would use it to his advantage. Thomas was right that many people in the office had no issue with it, as evident with Alexander and John, but there were just as many who could never accept it. After all, there was a reason Alexander had never become president, or held any position with great power and publicity. Many people would accept a relationship of that sort, as long as it was kept in the shadows.

When they parted ways at James’ office door, Thomas gave a triumphant little smirk and James rolled his eyes.

“You’re self confidence scares me a little,” James muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Thomas’ grin only widened, and he replied, “Yeah, but that’s what you love most about me.”

Panic surged into James’ chest at the words and he immediately looked around to see if anyone was within earshot. Luckily the nearby hallways were empty, and James quietly hissed, “ _Thomas, what the hell?_ ”

There was a second of confusion on Thomas’ face before the realisation dawned on him. “Ah! James, I’m so sorry! I completely forgot!”

With a sigh, James closed his eyes for a few seconds. After carefully counting to three, he reopened them to see Thomas’ pleading face and any leftover anger and fear swiftly evaporated. “It’s fine Thomas… it’s just, you know I’m not comfortable with things like that in public.”

Thomas nodded quickly, taking a step back. “I-It's just that… last night kinda made me think it might be ok, a-and I don’t know it just slipped my mind to ask you and-” an impatient glare made Thomas’ jaw snap shut, and he softly muttered another apology before he closed the door and hurried to his office.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh this chapter is super short and I'm sorry (especially after making you guys wait so long), but don't worry! I have a plan. Be prepared for the angst. (This is probably only going to be a couple more chapters long as well)
> 
> Enjoy!

James didn’t go back to Thomas’ house. He’d spent the rest of the day avoiding Thomas in the office, and he still didn’t think he was ready to face him. It was obvious his apartment hadn’t been occupied for months, and James was glad he’d had very little food there in the first place. Everything was exactly where James had left it those months ago, but James took no comfort in the familiarity of it. He already missed the fancy decorations and huge amounts of space Thomas’ house had. Not to mention all the bright colours and decorations Thomas insisted on having. Pain stabbed at James’ chest as he walked around his old apartment, trying to force himself to believe this was where he should be.

Several hours later, James was beginning to wish he still had access to Thomas’ liquor cabinet. Due to his health, he tried to avoid drinking as much as he could, so he kept the temptation as far away as he could. But right now, his health was the least of his concerns. Sprawled on his couch, his bed had felt too lonely, he stared blankly at his roof. Thomas is probably missing me, James thought idly, knowing he should care, but not finding that he did. As a matter of fact, he felt practically numb.

There was a knock on his door after who knows how many hours, and James reluctantly stood, fully aware of who it was. There weren’t many people who knew his address, and even fewer who would have reason to visit him here. James stood in front of the door, staring at the door knob. He knew there was something he should be doing, but he was having a hard time actually doing it. A loud banging from the other side of the door snapped him out of his stupor, and he cracked the door open wide enough that he could see who it was.

As expected, Thomas stared back at him, fear and sadness dancing across his eyes. James blinked, taking a moment to process what Thomas was saying.  
“James, I was so worried when you didn’t come home,” Thomas muttered, looking like he wanted to shove the door open and wrap James in a tight hug. However, he managed to read the situation and realized that wouldn’t be appropriate.

“James?” Thomas asked quietly after James didn’t respond for several moments. Looking down at the floor, James considered his options. His mood still wasn’t that great, and this wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have while he was still fairly out of it, but James also knew it would be hard to get Thomas to leave without hurting him more. Scared to speak, James simply nodded and pulled the door the rest of the way open, allowing Thomas inside.

Surprisingly, Thomas didn’t comment on the mess that James had been staying in, simply taking in the small apartment, a pained look on his face. Forcing himself to speak, James muttered, “Why are you here?”

Thomas turned, surprised James had spoken. “W-Why wouldn’t I be here?” he stammered, obviously unsure how to answer.

“Because,” James paused, trying to remember exactly why he hadn’t gone to Thomas’, “You should hate me.” The events of the day had come back slightly, and James couldn’t imagine why Thomas would come looking for him after James had been such an asshole.

Looking genuinely confused, Thomas walked back over to James, standing as close to him as he dared. “Why would I hate you? Because of what you did today?” James nodded reluctantly, tears beginning to pool in his eyes. Gaze quickly transforming from confused to compassionate, Thomas figured it was worth the risk and wrapped his arms around James, hugging him tightly.

“Oh James…” Thomas whispered, and James shuddered from the effort of holding back his tears. He needed to hold himself together right now. If he broke down in front of Thomas, James knew he wouldn’t be able to do what he needed too. For now, he needed to be strong, he couldn’t let Thomas see just how much this was hurting him. Finally hugging Thomas back, James collected his thoughts as best he could. This. This was better than feeling numb. Emotions and pain aren’t a bad thing, he just needed to keep them to himself.

“I was so worried about you,” Thomas murmured, and James pulled away enough to see Thomas’ face, surprised to see his eyes sparkling from tears.

“I’m sorry…” he muttered, guilt spreading through him when he realized how much pain he’d been causing Thomas, “I-I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry-” Thomas’ lips pressing against his cut him off, and James blinked in surprise, his heart pounding. The kiss only lasted a second, and James pushed away the disappointment. Thomas’ eyes had changed from a look of sadness, to a look of affection and warmth so strong James thought he might melt under it.

“Can we go home?” Thomas asked quietly, grabbing James’ hand in his own. James stared at him, mind blank. The events that had just transpired had left James confused, both in heart and mind. On one hand, he knew he should just tell Thomas to leave, but his heart twisted at the idea of never talking to Thomas again. Deep down, he wanted to go back to Thomas’ mansion, lie in Thomas’ bed, and just be around Thomas again, and as Thomas pulled slightly on his arm, face full of hope and a bit of desperation, James couldn’t take it anymore.

He followed Thomas outside.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guys Im back!! Here with LOADS of angst and the second last chapter! I feel so terrible for taking so long but I promise, I'll finish it soon.
> 
> WARNING YOU GUYS!! THIS CHAPTER HAS LOTS OF HOMOPHOBIA (including slurs) AND SWEARING!! PLEASE DON'T READ IT IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THAT SORT OF THING!!! 
> 
> hope you enjoy!

James stared at the now familiar living room as Thomas led him inside. Memories came back to him in a hazy blur as he remembered Thomas preparing him breakfast, curling up on that couch in a swath of blankets. Thomas pinning him to the couch and kissing him like his life depended on it. The memories should have brought emotion, grief, regret, joy. Instead, James’ mind just moved past each one, barely acknowledging their existence. He noticed that Thomas was leading them to their previously shared bedroom, and familiar panic rose in James’ chest. He stopped in his tracks, causing Thomas to turn to him, concern covering his features.   
  
“What’s the matter Jemmy?” Thomas asked, and James winced at the nickname. All of his emotions came rushing back in full force, and James choked back tears.   
  
“I'm sorry… I can’t, not tonight…” James murmured, hanging his head so Thomas wouldn’t see the tears welling up in his eyes. James had expected protest, questions, but instead Thomas just nodded.   
  
“Where would you rather go?” he asked, a hint of sadness in his voice that he was obviously trying to hide.   
  
“The couch is fine,” James replied, recovering enough that he no longer felt like he could burst into tears at any moment.   
  
Thomas looked like he wanted to say something, do something, anything, but instead he nodded again. “I’ll get you some blankets.”   
  
Half an hour later, James was laying on Thomas’ couch, thick blankets wrapped around him as he stared blankly into the unlit fireplace. Everything about this house was so uniquely Thomas. James sniffled, rubbing the tears from his eyes. What was he doing here? He’d seen the look on Adam’s face, he knew what would happen if he and Thomas were found out. Yet here he was, still sleeping in Thomas’ house, still clinging to Thomas at every turn. James was being selfish, he knew that. Thomas didn’t need James, James needed Thomas. He’d barely survived four years without Thomas, but Thomas had flourished without him. If it hadn’t been for James, Thomas could be married by now, have a wife and family. But no, James just had to fuck everything up for his own selfish desires. Like he always did. Back in school, Thomas had girls swooning all over him, everybody loved him. He could’ve had as many friends as he wanted, done whatever. But James had always held him back. Kept him from going to hang out with the popular kids, kept him from going to parties, made him miss work because of his stupid sickness.   
  
James sighed, he needed to get out of his own head. Maybe Thomas really loved him, maybe Thomas didn’t. Either way, James needed to make a decision, he couldn’t keep leading Thomas on. The idea broke James’ heart, and he knew it would hurt Thomas, but Thomas would recover. James? That didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Thomas got everything he wanted, and that James didn’t hold him back.   
  
************* *************   
  
James barely slept that night, and he woke early the next morning. Thomas hadn’t even woken up by the time James started his journey home. The weather had improved drastically, and James loved the feeling of the crisp, clean air. A quick stop at his apartment for a cup of coffee and a change of clothes, and James was hopping on the bus to work. It was several hours earlier than he normally arrived, but James figured it wasn’t a bad thing to catch up on extra work. After all, it would be a welcome distraction. James sighed at the familiar routine of taking the bus to work like he usually did, ignoring the stab of loneliness he felt when he remembered driving in Thomas’ car, the other man chatting away as James listened intently.   
  
Pushing those memories away, James approached the door to the office building, pulling out his keys when a familiar voice made him jump in surprise.   
  
“Well, James, you’re here early.”   
  
James bristled, anger and anxiety swirling through him as he composed himself, unlocking the door and opening it. Suddenly, a hand slammed the door shut, blocking James from going into the office.   
  
“What the hell?!” James shouted, jumping back in surprise.   
  
Adams grinned maliciously at him, looking like the cat that caught the canary. “What? Am I not allowed to have a conversation with one of my coworkers?” John asked, tilting his head to the side as he moved to fully block the door from James’ reach.   
  
“Get out of my way Adams, I don’t have time for this,” James sighed, pushing back his fear as John looked him up and down.   
  
“I wanted to talk to you last night, I even visited your apartment,” panic settled in James’ gut, and he moved for the door again, but John blocked him quickly.   
  
“But you weren’t there! Hm, perhaps you went out somewhere?” John placed his finger on his chin inquisitively, “but that wouldn’t make sense! Everyone knows James Madison doesn’t socialize. He doesn’t have any friends. Except,” John gasped, “Except our new found president! Is that where you were James?”   
  
James bristled, furious and terrified, “It’s none of your business Adams, now _please_ let me get on with my day.”   
  
John chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the door. “Don’t think so _faggot_ , not until you answer my question.”   
  
“Don’t call me that,” James muttered, ducking his head and clenching his fists, “Please.”   
  
John scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Jeez, no need to get upset about it. It’s not like it’s true, right James?”   
  
James’ vision blurred as tears welled up in his eyes, and he felt panic rising in his chest. All he could hear was John’s voice, pressing him to _“just admit it James.”_   
  
“I mean, come on James. Who do you think you’re fooling? We’ve all seen it! Really, I can handle Jefferson being a faggot, I really can, but what the hell does he see in you? Look at you, you can’t even stand up for yourself. Ha, I think I know why you’re here so early, I bet Thomas kicked you out. Yeah, I bet you’re just his little fuck-toy. He doesn’t give a shit about you, you’re probably just a good lay. Is he good? Or are you just in it for the money? Wait, it’s not even that, you probably just love being used, you’re willing to do anything for it. I never thought you’d be such a slut James.”   
  
James sobbed, covering his mouth, “Stop…” he choked out, tears pouring down his face. A hand grabbed his shirt collar and whipped him around, slamming him against the door. James gasped, blinking away the tears to see John’s face inches from his own.   
  
“Fucking pathetic. Look at you, you can barely even stand up straight. ‘Course, I probably wouldn’t be able to either,” John smirked, “I bet your ass hurts like hell.”   
  
Struggling, James tried to block John's voice from his head, but his lack of sleep made it difficult and John was stronger than him.   
  
“Hey! Listen up!” John snapped, slamming James against the door, “This is important! Are you listening?”   
  
Shuddering, James nodded, choking back a sob as he tried not to panic.   
  
“Good. I didn’t just come here to taunt you, I came here to give you fair warning. I’d never go after your faggot boyfriend without giving you a chance, so here it is,” John pressed his face closer so they were inches apart, “Either you leave Jefferson, or I tear his career apart from the ground up. Don’t think I don’t have the ability, you’ve given me all the proof I need. Not only is he having a relationship with a coworker, he’s a _fag_. How many people do you think will support him if they knew? Oh! Imagine the scandal! What would his parents think?”   
  
“I-I can’t…” James coughed, and John dropped him. He barely caught himself on the door handle.   
  
“You will,” John spat, “unless you want your precious Thomas to lose everything he’s ever worked towards.  
John left him then, and James crumpled to the ground, his sobs and coughs mixing together as tears ran down his face. His gut twisted in panic, and his mind reeled. He barely noticed the dull ache from where his head had been slammed into the door. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but when he finally moved the sun was just peeking over the horizon. Wiping spit from his mouth, James stood shakily, considering his options. No matter how hard he tried to avoid it, his mind kept going back to one place. _Thomas._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a large portion of this on my phone, so please point out any mistakes! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and are looking forward to the next chapter!


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